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i gnash my teeth and wail about how unfair it all is. i forget that nobody ever told me that life is fair or that there is any justice in this world. i could walk around believing that if i am a good person, karma will take care of the rest. all this cosmic test, divine plan and mysterious ways stuff drive me bonkers. i have always had issues with this and coming to believe in any sort of benevolent HIGHER POWER, always seemed to force me into a corner that i did not want to be in. specifically if i believed that there was a plan that i was not privy to, then i also had to believe that a HIGHER POWER had human attributes and characteristics, much like the pantheon of GODs that my ancestors believed in. the struggle was to accept guidance without losing myself in ritual, mystery and pomp. the stress between what i thought my peers wanted me to believe and what i was coming to believe, set me apart from them, for the first fifteen years of my recovery. it was only in my last set of steps that i could finally let go of what i thought their expectations were and embrace my own path, and that is where i am sitting today.
what that does not mean, is that i sit back and accept whatever comes my way, without wailing and gnashing my teeth and having the desire to get justice, after all, these days i am a good person and i SHOULD get nothing but positive energy back. after i get over my bad self, i realize that stuff happens. some of it i do bring on myself, such as the massive amount of debt i took on, hoping for a quick return. and a HUGE profit. i know now that those thieving bastards fed me their line of sh*t me with great skill and i bought all of it. there was a time when i hoped that they would get the justice they have coming to them for stealing from others. would i like to be present? you bet your bippy i would love to be there. do i expect to ever see it? nope, they are far too clever to get caught and are probably long gone. it is what it is and i am left to make things right in my world.
in my world, these days, i am less than pleased withe behavior of a couple of my peers. is there something i can do about getting them to be more spiritual and present? nope, not at all, as a result it is me and my expectations that need to be changed and today i have come to that place. i will no longer wait for what is not coming as they seemed incapable of seeing their part, which is okay by me once i have that clue, i can move along and will. the wailing is now over and i need to stop gnashing my teeth, while i still have some.
i do need to get back to work, however, and i do feel better for having done a bit of a dump. no life is not a series of tests, but it is certainly a set of opportunities for me to choose the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞