• when something traumatic happens and i may be tempted to wail, •
Posted: Thu, Feb 7, 2013 12:01:39 PM
**My Higher Power is testing me!**
i really, really, i mean really see the irony in that statement, IF i have FAITH why on earth would i suggest that the stuff that happens in every day life is anything more than just the fallout from living in the real world. things break, people get sick, self-absorbed a$$holes abound and the weather changes. to believe that i will be protected from the vagaries of life, or that my recovery is being somehow tested by a quirky and capricious power, would destroy FAITH that i have built up. ironically, most of the bad stuff that happens in my day, is a result of my own actions and yes, gulp, self-will. the a$$hole driver? well am i flowing or trying to control? the snow or rain, well that is just an innocence that i can accept or rail against. the death of a loved one? people die. getting sick? well i have been taking care of myself, physically, doing what i need to do to stay healthy? my car breaking down? when was the last time i had it looked at and maintained?
well, i am way off the beaten track here so the time has come to say that for me, i am certain that the POWER that fuels my recovery is NOT testing me or my recovery. it is me, who is starting to think that now that a certain substance is legal, it may be a good idea to see if it is a good as i remember it to be, after all, i have a job that does not test, i have some years clean and i can certainly handle trying it out once, can't i?
no this is not a test i will fail, i also understand as i told me sponsee last night, that i am an addict and ONE is TOO MANY, as i have never been able to do one before. yes the may pop into my head, especially when i am tired or frustrated BUT it is not some sort of cosmic sign that i can use again, and it the will of the people of Colorado, is not some sort of cosmic joke on me, it is, life on life's terms!
i really, really, i mean really see the irony in that statement, IF i have FAITH why on earth would i suggest that the stuff that happens in every day life is anything more than just the fallout from living in the real world. things break, people get sick, self-absorbed a$$holes abound and the weather changes. to believe that i will be protected from the vagaries of life, or that my recovery is being somehow tested by a quirky and capricious power, would destroy FAITH that i have built up. ironically, most of the bad stuff that happens in my day, is a result of my own actions and yes, gulp, self-will. the a$$hole driver? well am i flowing or trying to control? the snow or rain, well that is just an innocence that i can accept or rail against. the death of a loved one? people die. getting sick? well i have been taking care of myself, physically, doing what i need to do to stay healthy? my car breaking down? when was the last time i had it looked at and maintained?
well, i am way off the beaten track here so the time has come to say that for me, i am certain that the POWER that fuels my recovery is NOT testing me or my recovery. it is me, who is starting to think that now that a certain substance is legal, it may be a good idea to see if it is a good as i remember it to be, after all, i have a job that does not test, i have some years clean and i can certainly handle trying it out once, can't i?
no this is not a test i will fail, i also understand as i told me sponsee last night, that i am an addict and ONE is TOO MANY, as i have never been able to do one before. yes the may pop into my head, especially when i am tired or frustrated BUT it is not some sort of cosmic sign that i can use again, and it the will of the people of Colorado, is not some sort of cosmic joke on me, it is, life on life's terms!
∞ DT ∞