Blog entry for:

well, there is a slight inference i NEED to correct in the seed to this blog. the whole idea that somehow i possess a HIGHER POWER is so patently false and abhorrent to me on so many levels, that what i can say without reservations is that i posses and understanding , however limited of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
there are so many ideas flying through my head right now, that this particular exercise will more than likely be a bit scattered, but you never know. the first thing that bubbled to the top was the notion that i am so important that i need to be tested by a HIGHER POWER, that was concept i did not take very well, when i was still marginally religious and as i grew up and became a bit more rational, it did not sit well with me at all. coming to recovery and growing an understanding, it was a concept that i looked at with a critical eye and summarily tossed into the dustbin of useless ideas. i am certainly worth having a personal relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery. that does not mean that somehow i have a lock on this whole HIGHER POWER concept, and for me, it certainly does not mean that life is a series of cosmic tests that i can either pass or fail. such a simplistic view of the world, disturbs in on so many levels, that when i hear others sharing about this being their world view, i shut down and discount anything they may say afterward. that reaction, while far from healthy is certainly better than the one i used to have, and although i would like to have this whole GOD issues resolved within me forever, i am saticfied that i have made some progress to having this emotional charge removed.
i digress, and back to the idea at hand. while life does appear to present choices in the here and now, they are very rarely black and white, pass or fail, binary decisions. those choices are not set in my way to hinder my growth nor to test my resolve or strength. i see them as the same set of choices that any human being has in day to day life. when i really have the time to look at those choices it is plain to see, that they are just the challenges of living in the real world, and there are usually more that one path past the decision point. i have come out of my worldview of RIGHT and WRONG, and BLACK and WHITE. that is not to say that such choices do not exist for me, it is just that they are few and far between. since shades of gray seems to be what life is all about for me, reducing that diversity back into the world i came form feels so alien and wrong. i am certain that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean and grow in my recovery PERIOD. with that premise as part of my belief structure, it is more than disingenuous to say that my recovery would be tested, in fact it would make the previous statement a lie, and would provide the addict within, the opening i need to stop my progress in recovery and start the spiral down into active addiction. it would invalidate what i have come to feel, and although there is the religious bromide, “God works in mysterious ways,” that i could always rely upon, that also feeds the addict, rather than the man i want to be.
my FAITH today, did not come easily, and as such, i hold on to it with fervor. yes i know how crazy that last statement sounds, after all FAITH is not about holding on to something, but more about letting go. that is exactly what i have in mind, letting go of the notion that i am so important, and my FAITH is so fragile that it REQUIRES testing at every opportunity. my FAITH in the recovery program i have come to live, is something i cherish and nourish. an integral part of that FAITH, is that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery, beyond my ken, but one that demonstrates to me on a daily basis that i am on the right path and does not test my resolve. it is my self-will that tests my resolve and uses the opportunities for choice that i am presented with each day as a possible diversion from my chosen life path.
so my path today is clear, at least in the her and now. wrap up this writing exercise, do a bit of service work, grab a shower, consult with a client and maybe smoke a cigar while finishing up the projects on my desk. life is good today, and i think i will cherish what i have been given and niot rail about how unfair and cruel it may appear.

∞ DT ∞