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ONE, TWO, THREE, this is only a test, nothing to see here, move along. it has been my belief for quite some time that my FAITH nor my recovery, is not now, nor has ever been **tested** by the POWER that fuels my recovery. in fact, there are two topics that make me cringe when my peers start expounding on them. the first is how many hours they “invest” in their recovery on a weekly basis, and then the infamous “GOD is testing my FAITH and my recovery.” both of which lead me to want to cross-talk, which i did do last night, or share directly at someone.
taking the first topic off my plate so i can move on to what i really heard this morning, i do not quantify how much “time” i spend on my recovery on a weekly, daily, monthly or annual basis. to do so, in my opinion, minimizes what living a life in active recovery is really all about and certainly implies that i am only in “recovery” when i am at a meeting, writing on my steps or serving the fellowship. in my mind, that means i get a “get out of jail free card” when i am acting out and being a sh!t. for me, active recovery requires me paying attention to what is going on around me. responding rather than reacting, to what happens in the world and when all is said and done, applying what i have learned, to the best of my ability, to every situation that come barrelling down the pike. that sort of outlook would seem to say that i spend sixteen to eighteen hours a day “working” on my recovery, not unlike the investment in time i put into my active addiction. if i am and addict twenty-four hours a day, and i am, i have to be in recovery for that same period of time.
which brings me around to the whole notion that GOD “tests” me and my commitment to recovery. i hear many of my peers, emulate the story of JOB, sharing about how this or that must be a “test” that they either failed or passed. in my mind, i can never find one instance of my resolve to stay clean being “tested” by the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can state dozens, perhaps hundreds of instances where i, myself, have tested my recovery through obstinate self-will, setting myself up for failure or denial of deeply held reservations. when i drop into the “GOD must be testing me” mode, i have moved into playing the victim and am blame-shifting, rather than looking to see if i had any part in the “calamity” i see before me. after all if it is GOD's fault, i get to play the powerless card and be exonerated right from the get-go. it is true, there are events in my life that have been painful and i had no part in bringing to fruition. that is, just as the reading suggested, life on life's terms, people get sick and die, accidents happen and life is often messy. i do not have to worry about seeing GOD's plan when those events occur, i just have to be present, give comfort to those in my life who experience pain and allow others to support me, when the worst possible stuff happens to me.
it is once again time to go move the sublimated precipitation from my concrete, remembering to use my legs and not my back to shovel the snow. i would like winter to be over and if i were to fall into the victim mode, i might say GOD is testing my resolve to being more fit, as i will not risk life and limb to tour the neighborhoods to get my workout done. i have an alternative, it is called the Longmont Rec Center and i will be doing laps later today, to get ahead on the challenge i need to “win” in order to get my $1000.00 from the company that employs me. the fact of the matter is, not only am i responsible for my recovery, i am also responsible for my level of fitness and the latter is one of those gifts of the 24-7 recovery, i live each and every day.

∞ DT ∞