Blog entry for:

is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and i wail, **MY HIGHER POWER IS TESTING ME!**
so it has been over a year since i came to my new understanding of the POWER that keeps me clean, and yet when i come across this reading, i still have to chuckle, as i hear in my own voice the lament about how i am being tested, quickly followed up by how unfair and unjust it all is, and for the finale; "IF THERE REALLY WAS A LOVING GOD THEN…"
as you can see, there are times when i test my own FAITH, and i understand that on an intellectual level, however on a emotional level, i still stumble into the whole cosmic victim mode, so i can shift the blame off of me. do not get me wrong, i do have my share of little trauma presented, that i have no part in, except that i happen to be alive. HOWEVER, most of the drama and trauma of my life is not of divine origin or even just life on life’s terms stuff. no most of it comes from my self-will running amok. my desires and my wants taking precedence over my needs, then my will taking over clawing and scraping to get those desires met, and with great dispatch. how is it possible that after a bit of clean-time i still get confused about the whole will trio and where the true source of my suffering resides?
an interesting question and one i will need to contemplate a bit further that this space and time allows, in fact it would be an excellent question to frame my FIRST STEP work. i can see how i am powerless over this particular set of beliefs and it is more than obvious how these make my life unmanageable. although i can see where that whole train of thought will take me, i do believe i my time would be better spent writing about it elsewhere, but at least i have the entry point i have been seeking to get my step work rolling again.
so does the cosmos test me? after some consideration, i would say not. if i am offered drugs, more than likely i am somewhere i do not need to be. if i am given the opportunity to behave in an unscrupulous manner, more than like i am spiritually unfit in that moment, for if i was spiritually fit, that notion would not cross my mind. if life is presenting my tragedy after tragedy, is there something i am doing to bring it on, such as acting out or neglecting to take care of myself? most importantly, am i prepared to live my life on its own terms, or am i merely ready to be a bug on the surface of the stream of life, allowing myself to be whisked away by whatever current happens to catch me? i have come to believe that i create my own fate, and although people die, natural disasters happen, and life is nether just nor fair, how i live is more important than what happens to me. IF i can hold my head up high at the end of the day and say i did my best to face the challenges of life, accepting what i could not change, changing what i could, then i have been successful, at least for today. I PASSED THE TEST and am ready to give it a go again tomorrow. so off to the showers and then out to meet life on its own terms. it is , after all, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞