Blog entry for:

this is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and i wail, whine or generally gnash my teeth. but a loving Higher Power does not test my recovery, my character, or my faith. life just happens, and sometimes it hurts. okay although i rail against those who say this, today i am one of the chorus **i really like this reading!**
now that i have said the cliché that drive fVcking nuts, and screamed about it, well. maybe not screamed. but let out some sort of gas about my behavior i can release and go forward.
so why does someone like me, who does his best to not have emotional attachments to a passage that i read year after year, have such an attachment to this one? well, i could delve deep into psychobabble and such, or i could just pop out the first thing that comes to mind. honestly, no matter how hard i tried to be a rationalist and rid myself of all superstitious beliefs, before i came to recovery, there was this nagging doubt that mirrors this very belief. of course, i did my best to deny, swallow, disprove this tiny chink in my totally logical armor, and getting high certainly helped, because if that tiny little doubt could somehow be true, what else of the belief system i had so carefully constructed also be wrong. that was a question i never wanted answers about, and one more was all i needed to remove it from my conscious self.
so imagine my frustration that when i finally made a decision to give this way of life a whirl, and was told, cajoled, and generally had beat into my head, that everything i thought i knew was true, needed to be looked at and allowed to be revised.
YARGH!
so the comfort of this particular reading came and still continues to come from the fact that as part of that reexamination of my belief structure, not only did i get to discard the recent layers that had been slapped on the facade of what i grew up with, i also got to examine those beliefs i was indoctrinated into as part of my cultural upbringing.
that process is still ongoing today, because coming to believe has not nor does it appear to ever going to be an event. that process has morphed over time and i see that my current struggles with letting go of a particular outcome is part of that process. i am not being tested, nor am i being presented with some sort of dilemma that only the wisest of the wise could divine an answer to. no i am being given the opportunity to stand on my own two feet, and allow the FORCE that keeps me clean propel me into a new awareness of who and what i am, and it is only me that is blocking that process.
so secure in the knowledge that what i am going through, is self-inflicted, rather than some sort of divine joke, i think i will go pound the pavement and let go of what needs to be let go of this morning. it is after all a good day to recover and i think i will let the process happen.

∞ DT ∞