Blog entry for:

that cannot be healed by the POWER that fuels my recovery.
well after a very short quiet time this morning i self-willed my way on to the early bus, so i could get to work and get home and get to the cigar store and get to the meeting, so i can go home and lay my head down on my pillow. yes, i have had a very frantic morning, and as i ride the bus, i see where this is leading me, into a day of frustrations, because nothing will be fast enough, big enough or good enough today!
a few minutes so to stop and just breathe was certainly called for, and after that respite, i feel less frantic and ready to just go with the flow.
well if life was a series of tests, i would fail miserably on a daily basis. i have yet to get to the point where i can let the storms of living just roll off my back and chalk it all up to some sort of divine plan that is a mystery to me. in fact the deeper in mystery i shroud the events of my life, the more mystical attachments i hook on to the little things that occur every day, the less i feel like me, and the more i fell like just another of the sheeple that i see all around me. sheeple are those who walk around asleep to the world around absorbed in getting what they think they NEED and moaning the fact that they do not. yes, there is a certain comfort in being a sheeple, i do not have to take responsibility for my life, someone else tells me what to think, what to believe and what i NEED to spend my money on today. i know how to dress and how to style my hair, because i see it in mass media every day. and if i m mortgage mt future to get the latest and greatest shiny new toy, than i will certainly be happy. as mind-numbingly comfortable as that may sound, that is not who i want to be most of the time. nor do i wish to be one of those who preys on the fears and the insecurities of the sheeple, looking for the next opportunity to what is theirs. what i strive for today, is a healthy balance between being free and independent and fitting in, and the part of me i call addiction, makes that difficult task, that much harder.
so when i encounter a speed bump, a fender bender or even a major accident in my journey through my day, all of that balance between the profane and the divine, goes out thew window and my reaction is to rail about how unjust and unfair it all is, after all, does not all the good things i have done count towards being rewarded. i mean really, what is the point of doing the next right thing, if there is no reward in the her and now?
here is where my growing FAITH steps in. the POWER that fuels my recovery, may not protect me from life's mishaps, but IT can provide me what i need to get through any situation without using, without hurting myself or others and without losing the desire to keep on going. this past week has been one of those minor mishaps, that i could certainly explode into something far larger and ugly than it is. yes, my car needs a new engine. yes it is going to cost me some bucks. yes i have to spend the money i was putting away for vacation to get my car back, BUT i need not use and today i accept that stuff just happens,m regardless of me doing nearly the right thing most of the time. no mystery, no punishment and no rewards, except another day on this side of the dirt.
perhaps there is an eternal reward. perhaps my life has been predestined since i was a mass of cells in the uterus of my mom. perhaps monkeys will fly out of my butt. all of that does not matter to me today. life is my gift. i can cherish that gift and share it with others or i can selfishly cling to what others tell me to believe and join the half-conscious sheeple that are all around me. OR i can accept that life happens, good, bad and indifferent and lean on the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me what i NEED today to be a better man than i was yesterday. justice and mercy , are not concepts i need to rail; about as i walk through my day and do my best to deal with all that life has to offer me. i am clean and ready to live a spiritual program that creates a better me, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞