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my character, or my faith, is not part of my spiritual path. once upon a time, that idea, certainly was a way to deflect blame from my own actions or justify my unrealistic or unmet expectations as evidence of a capricious HIGHER POWER. of course the side-effect of my distorted belief system was a whole lot of bargaining with GOD and fox-hole prayers, even after i got clean. needless to say, all of that did not help me along the path to my final spiritual destination , but it certainly made journey “interesting.”
today, my life is far from ideal. i am dealing with an odious person, who refuses to see that she might be wrong and actually apologize for her lack of consideration. expecting anything from that well of self-interest will only make me less satisfied with my life and more resentful in the future. i have been asking for tolerance, patience and forgiveness with this person, as i can hardly remove her from my life. before i walk into her house, i have to stop, center myself and ask for the power to all three, from the POWER that fuels my recovery and for this addict it is working. what is being tested is not my serenity, although i have been far from serene, not my spiritual program, even though i have been an absolute sh!t or my recovery. no what has been tested is my resolve to self-will my Mom into behaving the way i think she should behave and not getting anything close to the result i desire. guess what? self-will is not paying off and after making myself a bloody mess banging my head into that wall, surrender is the key to my serenity.
i have been in nearly constant motion today, getting my weekly chores done, taking care of a family responsibilities and taking care of myself, all because i want the rest of the day free for the SuperBowl.once again my desire to be somewhere and do something has led me to a place where i have yet to really chill on this Sunday and i accept the consequences of where i am and what i want to do. everything i “had” to do, was something i chose to do and i regret none of those choices so far. i may still be able to take a power nap and still get the rest of my day completed, as i am now letting go of what i think i need to do and relax for a few minutes before running out again.

∞ DT ∞