Some memes

in the rooms, i felt uneasy, alienated and pissed-off. resisting the impulse to bolt out the door and go pick up, took more than my FEAR of incarceration and self-will. it took the warm welcome i got from the members who were present, even though i was far from being warm and cuddly in those days, in fact one might say i was a real prick! the upshot of that experience is that i may not join the crowd of my peers, who often surround the newest of the new, but i greet those i do not know, offer a hug and let them know that maybe, just maybe the are in the right place. i may not remember a whole lot about how those early days were, especially as i was still using for six months after i first arrived in the rooms, but i do remember the feelings, as if they were yesterday. i did not want to get clean, had no desire to stop using drugs and was only attending to “prove” to the powers that be, that i was complying with their heinous constraints.
this morning as i pound this out, i realize that the newcomers that ask me to sponsor them, may actually see more than the gruff, no business vibe i like to project. i often wonder, but am loathe to ask, what did they see in that moment they decided to ask for my direction, as i do not see myself as a calm, collected, serene or pillar of recovery. in fact, i often feel i am on the outside looking in, because i do not buy all of the gospel according to my fellowship, word for word. i am more circumspect in stating my opinions these days, but, they often slip out when i am working one-on-one and am encouraging a peer to think for themself.
i am arriving at a place in my forced retirement where i need to refresh my available funds. the question is, how much and how soon. i am not in a state of panic, but i do have to take care of living this life. while my little fantasy football program is teaching me all sorts of stuff, i do need to consider a different direction and perhaps the post office might be where i look next. life is far from ugly today and i need to put this aside and get working on my daily tasks. it is a good day to be clean and maybe, today is the day. i never know, so it is off to doing the footwork, just for today.

∞ DT ∞