Some memes

my life with more care and concern, for myself and others, was not something i thought would happen, once i got clean. all i wanted was freedom from the justice system and the ways and means to use successfully. i certainly got the former and as a result i also saw that the latter, at least for me, would never become a reality. i will not generalize my condition do that of anyone else, but i know now, and have known for quite some time, that using anything will start my spin back down into active addiction. from that auspicious start, i have grown into the sort of person i sometimes admired, but more often dismissed as weak and feeble. the manner in which i was cultured into adulthood, being a man meant being stoic, strong and seemingly uncaring and lacking compassion. of course that was my take on toxic masculinity and i see it being portrayed today as an ideal, rather than something to be avoided.
i can certainly say, that learning how to care for myself and those around me, has been a gift of recovery for which i am grateful. the irony of that is i always thought i was caring for myself, even when i was ripping myself apart. after all, growth comes after destruction. my philosophy of being cold and critical of others was fuels by that same fallacy, i was being kind pointing out what, IMHO, needed to be changed. my journey through the steps has certainly allowed me to see that not everyone needs my advice, or even desires it. this latest step work, is opening my eyes to the fact that maybe, just maybe, being judgemental of those around me, fosters a feeling within, that i am certainly not kind enough, compassionate enough or forgiving enough. spinning around in that Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt, is the nature of my insanity these days and i know that if i CHOOSE to, i can walk a different path. that, however is the catch responding to, rather than reacting to, is the direction i seek out of that morass.
with that on the top of my head, it is time to get out into the real world for forty-two minutes of leaving the world behind as i pound the pavement. i can be the sort of person i want to become and being toxically masculine, need not be a part of my life today. caring for myself and others, is not weak and feeble. leaving a wake of kindness and respect behind me is not caving into political correctness. there is nothing wrong with being “woke.” just for today, i can be strong, independent and the sort of person others want to have in their lives.

∞ DT ∞