๐ฆ i have the ability ๐
Posted: Tue, Apr 28, 2026 12:25:01 PM
and the desire to choose to be considerate of the feelings of other people and my own emotional well-being. just as the dragon and unicorn are creature of mythic origins so was my concern for others. when i walked into the rooms, the only time i was even close to being considerate of the feelings of others, was when i was grooming them for a favor or ask in the future. as cold and cruel as that may sound, it really is not a whole lot of hyperbole and hist pretty close to the mark. i used honesty as a tool to wound and advice to raise myself up above them. not the healthiest of lives but one that worked and was polishes across the course of my active addiction.
getting clean did not make me whole or even considerate, but it did bring up all sorts of feelings that i had thought i had buried under rock and concrete. as they flew back into my conscious self, realized that i had no ways and means to cope. i had forgotten what it meant to feel, it had been so long and the feelings that filled me were confusing and highly unexpected. one thin g i started to notice however, was that my sharp honesty and uncalled for advice did little to win me any friends or acquaintances. it did not take me very long to learn to read the expression on the face around me, before i realized it was my stuff not theirs that was causing their pain.
it took time for me to deal with the underlying cause my need to wound and build myself up. at the center was self-obsessed fear and lack of self-esteem. i lived under the lie i was too broken for too long and as a broken being, i deserved no respect from others and certainly none from myself. eve as i got better the lie still persisted but i became less able to accept it as truth and more able to see what others saw in me, as my recovery took hold. i started to believe i had worth and if i had worth than wounding others was not needed to make me feel better. no what i needed was to learn to show concern and respect for others as i learned to respect myself. there were times when i went too far over the edge putting the feeling of others before my own. there were times when i rec0verted back to my old ways, using the excuses that life on its own terms gave me. i can still slip back into either of those modes, with hardly a moment's notice. the good news and yes it is, i have found the middle ground far more comfortable and easier to find, just for today.
getting clean did not make me whole or even considerate, but it did bring up all sorts of feelings that i had thought i had buried under rock and concrete. as they flew back into my conscious self, realized that i had no ways and means to cope. i had forgotten what it meant to feel, it had been so long and the feelings that filled me were confusing and highly unexpected. one thin g i started to notice however, was that my sharp honesty and uncalled for advice did little to win me any friends or acquaintances. it did not take me very long to learn to read the expression on the face around me, before i realized it was my stuff not theirs that was causing their pain.
it took time for me to deal with the underlying cause my need to wound and build myself up. at the center was self-obsessed fear and lack of self-esteem. i lived under the lie i was too broken for too long and as a broken being, i deserved no respect from others and certainly none from myself. eve as i got better the lie still persisted but i became less able to accept it as truth and more able to see what others saw in me, as my recovery took hold. i started to believe i had worth and if i had worth than wounding others was not needed to make me feel better. no what i needed was to learn to show concern and respect for others as i learned to respect myself. there were times when i went too far over the edge putting the feeling of others before my own. there were times when i rec0verted back to my old ways, using the excuses that life on its own terms gave me. i can still slip back into either of those modes, with hardly a moment's notice. the good news and yes it is, i have found the middle ground far more comfortable and easier to find, just for today.
∞ DT ∞