Some memes

are just premature resentments and boy do i seem to end up with a shit load of them -- expectations that is. well, that is a bit of hyperbole, i am better today with tamping down my expectations, especially when it comes to the behaviors of those around me. when i am not do good at doing that, well, i always ending up wasting my time and bandwidth fretting and fuming of shit that i cannot change. the ironic part of this whole topic, is that the two people i had the greatest expectations of making things right with, have passed on, and of course, i got pissed off at them for dying, and of course i carried that anger, turned it into resentments and ended up in a much worse place than i was before. what i took was a moment of rationality to allow myself to feel the anger and realize that even if they had lived, my expectation of them fixing things with me, were as far-fetched as some of the fantasies i lived in, in active addiction.
this morning as i sat and as i ran around the ’hood, what kept coming up from the depths was that i could keep living in regret and resentment, after all i know all about the what was, or i could choose to forgive them, let go of my expectations and live in the what is. for me, right here and right now, i am all about giving up for the day and just kicking back and watching some football with friends while enjoying a cigar or two. i am of the opinion that at least in this moment, i have better things to do than to live in worry, regret, resentment and remorse. here and now., i think i will let go of everything i have yet to forgive and forgive myself for holding on to that shit for so long.

∞ DT ∞