Some memes

and seeking to forgive on a deeper level, was the center of my descent into the void this morning, as suggested by my source material itself. it was not as quiet as it has been lately, but there was certainly a preponderance of nothing, as i listened. what i heard out that lack of noise was that being weak and feeble, is not really what i am afraid others will see. no, my fear centers around the reality that i just may be weak and feeble and from that fear all sorts of less than savory thoughts, action, reactions and behaviors are born. of course, i can interpret the events across the course f my life to enhance that sort of perception, rather than grounding those same events in reality. my problem, it seems, is that in my desire to hide the fact that i see myself as possibly weak and feeble, i conflate ordinary human failings as evidence of that and beat myself up. the healthier choice, that perhaps i can learn to make, is to place those in the context of being human and forgiving myself, for being as human as everyone else.
where in my life does forgiving others apply right now? well my less than helpful team mate and my “tradition sponsee.” both them work my last nerve whenever i think about them and i feel my ire and contempt rising. what i walked away with this morning, was that the very unattainable expectations i put on myself are similar to the ones i place on them, and of course they are going to fail every single time, nurturing a self-sustaining feedback loop that only makes me less balanced and unwilling to engage with them. the sad but true part of that, is that both of them are part of my life and can hardly “X” them out. what i heard this morning is i have to find the ways and means to forgive them and allow them the freedom to be who they are, without taking on a set of emotional baggage in my own head. forgive and let go, nice work when one can get it. 😉
where am i today? after a tough weekend of fantasy football and a win for the home team, i am in a place of balance and acceptance of the world around me. of course, i have yet to actually get out the house and interact with the real world, so i am enjoying my peace and peace of mind. after a frustrating session with ChatGPT last night, i have changed my strategy as to how to save my prose from its seemingly random destruction. i have no idea of whether or not it will work, but at least i have a strategy to save as i go, rather than trust and verify. trust and verify keeps failing, being proactive is my choice today.

∞ DT ∞