Some memes

used the way i used do not get clean. when i finally woke up from my stupor and stopped to look around, i found myself in rooms filled with people allegedly who used the way i used and got clean and stayed clean. they also looked as if their lives had a measure of balance and serenity. for me, however, what was the most attractive feature was that they seemed to be happier than i had ever been. they may not have been living the Vida Loca, but their way of living had many attractions that almost made it worth the price. that price? abstinence from my favorite obsessive and compulsive activity -- GETTING HIGH! i was willing to give it a try and see what happened and lo and behold, not a lot happened for what seemed to be a very long time. what i did not realize was that my self-will and my cynicism was going to play a role in my recovery. unlike some of my peers, i was not “struck clean,” vowing never to use again, because my life was so much better already, i did not get a “pink cloud” coloring my early recovery with unfettered hope and optimism. no what i got, and felt ripped off about at the time, was freedom from active addiction and the opportunity to start the journey into a new manner of living.
today, as i spin around whether or not to actually do the work i need to do, or play all afternoon, i am reminded of that fateful night in New Jersey, all those days ago, when i knew i could not use, but all i had was the desire to use, and i was the one who paid for the sack. never before in my life, had i bought dope and not used it. that event, started a process that continues today. i got myself into that jam and i see that i am often my own worst enemy, when it comes to stewing in my misery. as long as it does not hurt “too bad” i can go another day without doing what is right in front of me. i do know that i will attend my home group and walk with my friend, which is a perfect way to allow my body to recover from my mountainous journey. in the meantime, maybe a bit of playing before i take off, i do have twenty minutes of free time ahead of me. 😜

∞ DT ∞