Some memes

with myself and with all i have gained, lost, learned, and become. i am getting a bit weary of writing about my identity and how stumbling around in the dark seeking clarity, is making my life unmanageable. my THIRD STEP is certainly instructive about what is going on inside of me and when i go over it with my sponse on Wednesday, i am certain that more will be revealed. the irony here, is i am okay with where i have been and what has always held me back, or so i tell myself. the truth is that i am still volunteering to play those ancient whispering voices that remind me of being broken, inadequate and not a real man. sad to say that is still the case and being retired and not being able to find a new job in my field, does very little to quell those voices from my dim past.
as i listened this morning, to the quite of the void, what came up was that my whole obsession with AI is all about fantasy and not being who i think i should be. i also woke up feeling jealous of one of my friends who has created wealth for himself. the fantasy part i get, as i have known that for a minute. the jealousy past got me going, and what i added was that i may not have his wealth, but he certainly does not have my health. i do not know what he feels, but once upon a time he told me that i impressed him with the effort i was putting into living a stronger and longer life and he was certain that there was no reason for him to do so, as he was too far gone. whether or not that is still the case is not relevant and assuaging my butt-hurt feelings with that memory really does nothing to further my growth, spiritually or emotionally. it is time for me to grow the fuck up.
with that in mind, it is time to post this little exercise and move on. what i seem to getting is a felling of self-pity and remorse and that is far from being accepting of my journey to where i am. my life is really not all that bad and taking a job in retail is not the worse thing that could happen to me. in fact, i can see myself living in my fantasy world and spinning down deeper and deeper, until i lost touch with who i am and what i want to be. i have seen others in my situation fill their hours with TV, YouTube and social media and that is not what i want to be. just for today i will acknowledge my jealousy and envy, allow myself the freedom to feel those emotions and let them go, as they do very little to further my goal of becoming whole, genuine and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞