๐ค today i truly ๐ค
Posted: Tue, Feb 10, 2026 10:44:22 AM
can say, that i am well on my way to loving the person i have become in recovery. once upon a time i would have said of course i love myself, but then i got clean and the veil of denial slipped from my eyes and i saw that i really did not like the person i was, much love him, he was someone that needed to stand in the shadows and barring that, hide in plain sight. life under the cloud of the lie that i was too broken to be part of society as i was, certainly did little to engender any sense of loving myself and as the influence of that lie waned, i saw more and more that i was not what i thought i was and i could be loved exactly as i am. the few years between revealing my shameful secret and living in my own skin have been revealing and as i prepare to actually write a resentment list, i can be certain that what i tell my sponse, will remain with him.
whenever i think of loving myself, my mind goes back to a character from Saturday Night Live who gazed in the mirror reciting affirmations about how he deserved to be loved, because, DAMMIT, he was good enough. i am not the type of person who lives in a world of affirmations and these days, i have moved beyond seeking outside validation of who i am, how well i am living my life and where i am going. time and again in my past, i measured how much i was loved by all sorts of external “signs” including but not limited to how many men called me their sponsor.as ridiculous as that may sound, what i told myself was never to say no, as it must be GOD's will for me. damn what a great rationalization to feed my ego and give me the measure of love i was seeking. these days, i have the ability to see that a lie is a lie, no matter how well dressed it may be. it is true that i am hardly cured of needing outside measure of how well loved i am, to feel that love myself, BUT, and yes it is a big one, i catch it sooner and look to the true cause of my descent into that circle of my personal hell.
as i get started on my day, i can be certain that more than once i will stumble into deprecating myself and seeing a human failing as a symptom of how flawed and terrible i am. i can also be certain that i will seek out at least one outside validation of how well i am doing. well-established behaviors die the hardest and both of those have been around for as long as i can remember. just for today, i will find the ways and means to love the person i have become.
whenever i think of loving myself, my mind goes back to a character from Saturday Night Live who gazed in the mirror reciting affirmations about how he deserved to be loved, because, DAMMIT, he was good enough. i am not the type of person who lives in a world of affirmations and these days, i have moved beyond seeking outside validation of who i am, how well i am living my life and where i am going. time and again in my past, i measured how much i was loved by all sorts of external “signs” including but not limited to how many men called me their sponsor.as ridiculous as that may sound, what i told myself was never to say no, as it must be GOD's will for me. damn what a great rationalization to feed my ego and give me the measure of love i was seeking. these days, i have the ability to see that a lie is a lie, no matter how well dressed it may be. it is true that i am hardly cured of needing outside measure of how well loved i am, to feel that love myself, BUT, and yes it is a big one, i catch it sooner and look to the true cause of my descent into that circle of my personal hell.
as i get started on my day, i can be certain that more than once i will stumble into deprecating myself and seeing a human failing as a symptom of how flawed and terrible i am. i can also be certain that i will seek out at least one outside validation of how well i am doing. well-established behaviors die the hardest and both of those have been around for as long as i can remember. just for today, i will find the ways and means to love the person i have become.
∞ DT ∞