Some memes

comfortable being who i am, i no longer need to justify or explain my feelings, thoughts, and actions. for reasons beyond my ken, i skipped writing about attaining equanimity the past two years and chose instead to write about resentments. strange as that may sound right here and right now, resentments are not on the top of my stack, even though i am formulating the list of my current resentments. no what i heard this morning was all about balance and that tricky subject of equanimity. thinking of myself as being calm, stable and composed under stress, almost reminds me of the person i was in active addiction. of course the difference being, in those days i was calm under stress because of my chemical romance. just a little bit something did the trick. to actually find myself in a place that i can remain balanced and calm under stress without the use of substances is quite a shock to who and what i believe myself to be.
it is not as if i do not feel unbalanced when life throws me a curve-ball, i seem to recover my balance quickly and become able to respond, rather than react to those unfortunate and unpredictable events. part of what as been going through my mind since i decide to officially retire is how can i remain active, vital and a part of this world, rather than fading into the obscurity of streaming old movies or going down the rabbit-hole of You-Tube? what i do not want is to become i fat, lazy and glued to a chair, as i have seen others do, as they retired. sure there are more than a few series i want to stream and i have the desire to troll the chemtrail and flat earther influencers and see what sort of chaos and discontent i can stir up. yeah, it is true i am not “totally well” yet and that part of who i am still exists under the bulk of who i have become in recovery. just a little bit of stirring the pot…
as i return to my routine after my whirlwind trip to Montana, i am feeling a sense of something that i have never felt before, a deeper understanding of who i am, where i came from and what i need to do, to build the connections that i have with my family up north. my immediate family may prefer the distance we were taught to keep, but i am craving something more. what that more may be in the here and now has yet to be revealed. in the meantime, i will allow myself to pursue equanimity in my life through the processes i already have in place: FAITH in the program of recovery that drives my bus, FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery to present the opportunities to get what i may be seeking, my daily recovery routine and the belief that no matter how flawed i may think i am, i am not nearly as bad as i think i am and just for today, i can be the best version of myself.

∞ DT ∞