Some memes

i get my peers in recovery; i see the hidden darkness and love and hurt, and i understand. i admit that today was not a deep dive into the quiet carrying empathy as a topic with me. BUMMER! the plans for my day off, the people in my life and what happened yesterday that i did not address ,kept coming up, instead of the calm and quiet i have experienced over the past week. i understand what is going on, for the first time in a week i went to bed with unfinished bidness, even though i was certain that i had finished my day in my TENTH STEP inventory. i actually had done just that, what was lingering were my feelings about what the day brought and how i could optimize the day ahead. i can never actually be sure i have processed all my feelings and the fact that i have a bit of frustration after the visit to my dawg's vet visit is something i hardly expected. it was what it was and whether or not i send off a e-mail to the vet with an inventory of my feelings about their practice and our treatment. has yet to be determined. i will not, however, post a nasty review as i would prefer to settle this in private. growth? perhaps, certainly a pause to allow myself to respond, for sure.
moving into empathy, part of what came up from the void was the notion that my team mate and my traditions sponsee deserve better than my contempt and grudging desire to interact with them. instead of forgiving them for being who they are, perhaps if i accept them and feel where they are, i would be better served. and yes, this is all about me and not about them. it was not their feelings that came from the void and my feelings are certainly not going to change who they are. no, i need to shift my perspective into at a minimum a kinder manner of seeing them as the flawed human beings we all three are.
part of my growing frustration is our bathroom project has yet to be scheduled due to bureaucracy. i am not very comfortable not being n control of when and how i move through the world and right now, making plans weeks in advance as i am wont to do, is not part of the picture. i want control of my life and no matter how hard i want to push, i know i have none in this regard and of course it is driving me crazy. in fact, it has got me to the point that when my spouse talks to me in the morning i want to say shut the fuck up and let me enter my morning quietly. i love my spouse and i really do not want to shut her down. i know this is a reaction to something i cannot control and that is making me less sane that i want to be. DAMMIT ALL! recognizing that, well that may be growth or not. what it is, however, is a new manner in which to respond even when i want to go sideways. just for today, a new direction is not a bad thing to suss out.

∞ DT ∞