Blog entry for:

by the time i came to my first meeting, nothing was left but the ruin of my former self.
i wish i could say that the progression of the deterioration of my character stopped when i cam e to my first meeting, or even within the first three months of that first meeting, or perhaps when i finally accepted recovery as the way to live seven months after my first meeting. but if wishes were horses, everyone would ride. when i look at this part of my recovery, i realize that i continued to compromise dearly held beliefs for quite a while even in recovery. i was unwilling to let this whole program work, and was afraid of the changes that may be wrought in my life if i allowed the magic of recovery to take over.
"magic?" you say, "i thought that you were beyond the whole superstitious mumble jumble!"
well this morning i seem to be in the mood to equate a miracle to magic. the miracle was that i, as rational, hard-headed, and stubborn as i am, accepted a manner of living that is inherently contrary to where i was going back in the day. some power beyond me, reached into my spirit and gave me the opportunity to witness what would happen if i just let go, call it what you will, for me, this morning i see it as magic. of course this too shall pass but i digress...
back to the topic. as i look back on my life before and after recovery, the most stunning revelation is that i even had values and morals at all. the evidence of my behaviors as my active addiction progressed would back that assertion up. upon deeper examination, i have uncovered my value system and the elaborate system of rationalization and dishonesty i employed to allow myself to compromise my vales and beliefs. it was that system, in concert with the substances that allowed me the freedom to use as long as i did, and the freedom to be a slave to the part of me i call my addiction. as painful as that particular revelation is, it has now become the rallying cry for that part of me that wishes to recover. so as i find evidence of how bad i am, and believe me that is still available in real-time, i need to also look at how much i have changed and grown, and how i live by my values today, which is also readily available.
the most magical part of recovery, as i see it this morning, is the repair of the shell of my character. i live by my values just because it is the correct thing to do, not out of fear of eternal punishment or reward. the reward i get by doing my bets to live by my values is that i get to look myself in the face, i get to sleep well at night and i get to accept myself as just an average ordinary guy, albeit one that has chosen recovery today.
so off to continue doing what i need to do and into the real world. it is a GOOD day to recover today.

∞ DT ∞