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i do not want to start the demolition of my spirit, after all the work i put into its restoration. funny, ironic or whatever that i read this reading yesterday, and was quite prepared to go in an entirely different direction, than what i feel this morning. the events of this early morning have convinced me that i am on the correct path, and i had the strangest dream as i was finishing my last cycle of deep sleep. it was so vivid and real that i actually woke up as angry as i was in the dream. i am not one to put a whole lot of stock in the notion that my dreams are glimpses into what may happen, but i certainly do believe that they are a process that allows me to deal with unresolved issues, and the issue i in my dream was how to finish disentangling myself emotionally from the web that i helped create. in my dream, my buttons were pushed and i behaved accordingly, fancy that. the thing that gets my goat, is that in my dream, behaving like i did, is becoming against the value i have been developing as my step work moves forward. the reason i was angry, was because i was reacting out of anger to a situation that will not change, namely the way i believe i am and have been handled by one person. this reaction, to me, is evidence that i have yet to surrender the power i have given this person into the care of my concept of a HIGHER POWER and still believe that i am not powerless over how others treat me. so in a nutshell, what is this addict to do?
first off, take action and consciously make a choice to release the power i have given away to others. they may need and want it, but i no longer do, and it is toxic for me to continue to live in that world. acknowledge my powerlessness over how i am treated by others, and the unmanageability it creates.
next, look to the SOURCE of my recovery to provide me a route towards sanity.
and finally surrender this part of me, as well as my whole life and will into the care of that SOURCE.
i can remain as sick as i want to. i can remain in denial about what i think and feel and i can lie to myself through rationalizations and justifications. or i can work the first three steps around this and move on. the past is behind me, the future has yet to come, i think i will live in the here and now, and go work out.

∞ DT ∞