Blog entry for:

i believe in just to get whatever i think i NEED to fill the void. well day two and i am finally beginning to recover from my weekend. the amazing part is that i did not feel like i was all that wiped out, until i got home on Sunday evening, and then last night as i tried to do my TENTH step.
well i am here to say, that a lot of what i was spinning about has been resolved in my head, and i am ready to address all of that stuff today. my SECOND STEP writing assignment, whether or not i will continue to serve the convention committee, and whether or not i will sponsor the only sponsee i have ever fired.
what does that have to do with chipping away at my value structure and my esteem to get what i need to fill that place within that addiction makes worse. this morning all of that was weighing down my spirit and blocking me from seeing what i need to see. namely that no matter what anyone says, addiction is still a force in my life, and MY ONLY WEAPON against the crap addiction feeds me, is the STEPS and a program of ACTIVE RECOVERY. even with clean time, i see active addiction reawakening in others, and i am certain my ability to spot that is directly proportional to that same stirring within myself. all of those oh so pressing issues were manifestations of that behavior. will i serve in a different capacity on the convention committee, no i think not. will i return to a sponsorship relationship that i terminated, that depends. will i go run four or five miles, YES i will as soon as i am ready to move on. that SECOND STEP assignment, that i have been delaying and avoiding, is practically written in my head, the only thing that remains is for me to transfer it to paper. this morning life is good, i have a strong desire to be a better person than i was yesterday and i can let go for right now of all that has been weighing me down over the past few weeks. the best thing is that i can stand up for my values, and i can finally see why i have been so hesitant to write my assignment, the part of me that i call addiction has been feeding me a line of bull sh!t. namely that if i write it, i limit myself. well this morning i see that assignment not as a limit but as a definition of a starting point. i cannot get going on this particular phase of my spiritual journey until i see where i am.
the thermometer has climbed to 40 degrees, and it has been an hour since breakfast, so i think it is time to hit the streets and get back into yet another part of what is becoming my current value system, taking care of myself and my physical health. I WILL LEAVE YOU ALL WITH THIS THOUGHT: IF I DEFEND MY VALUES, WILL I EVER BE LESS OF AN ADDICT?

∞ DT ∞