Blog entry for:

after all the work i have put into my spiritual restoration. it is essential that i stand for something, or i risk falling for anything. what am i thinking i heard this morning? well for one thing, sticking to my guns, no matter what, at least spiritually. i was at service yesterday and i had my first opportunity to speak what is really on my mind and act according to the values that have been uncovered in this set of steps. i say uncovered, because i have a feeling they were always there, hiding under the spiritual debris field created in my active addiction. i have finally reached the place where i can serve because i DESIRE to fulfill some task for the fellowship that has given me this life, not because of some sort of sense of guilt or obligation to serve. nor will i allow myself to be flattered, manipulated, cajoled or shamed into serving when i do not desire to serve. most importantly, i no longer need to wrap my lack of desire into some sort of spiritual camouflage saying things like i am not healthy enough to serve with you, when it comes to personality conflicts with other members. the truth is there will always be conflicts with other members, anything else would mean that someone is not thinking, and i do not care if i have to state my point or battles the will of someone else, that is not what gives me the desire to serve. where that desire comes form is inside, and these days, it is coming less and less, so as i grow, i will continue to go on this new path, as it is revealed to me.
what i really find ironic is how much perceived power that this new path is giving me. no not power over others nor any additional power over the fellowship i love and cherish, power over how i live my life and continue to be true to the values that i have come to once again see and desire to live by today. one of those core values, that i have not a clue i lost in the shuffle of active addiction and in early recovery is that i have value. i actually have as much value as anyone else, and to sell myself for affection, praise or just to look good devalues me in my own eyes and creates a situation internally that is nit dissimilar than selling myself for a fix. in fact the praise and kudos i have desired for my service work has become my substitute fix at times in my recovery, hence i was roped into doing things and taking on more responsibilities than i was capable of doing, to feed that need for attention and love. prostitution is prostitution, no matter how i try and wrap it up in selfless service. no wonder i squirm these days when someone flatters or just gives me an idle compliment about my service efforts. the whore lies dying in the spiritual gutter pierced by the arrow of growth, and what is arising from that corpse is yet again a reborn self, secure in the knowledge that he is a complete person, on his way to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware.
i really ahve put more out here this morning than i probably needed to, but these days i allow my spirit to me as it will, and there is some reason for my writing all of this and offering out up for the consumption od the masses, or the few, whatever the case may be. it is time however to get out and get a bit of exercise, after all, that is the only way i can do my best to be a healthy and whole physical being.

∞ DT ∞