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are certainly the one i have told myself for long enough for them to take on the patina of truth. what i did not hear this morning was battling self-deception or denial. no, what i heard was standing up for my values. i have no power over what others think or do, or at least i no longer attempt to exercise that sort of power, most of the time. i still want my peers to think well of me, but pretending that i am living true myself, is still an activity in which i engage.
one of my values that i have a hard time finding any sort of balance in, is sharing all that is going on inside me, without exaggeration and hyperbole. for this addict, appearing a whole lot better or worse than i really am, seems to be a value that i want to live up to. the lie here,is that things are more in the middle of the road. i have my successes and failures every single day. i have my “positive” and “negative” experiences and reactions to the world around me, but mostly things are just quiet ordinary and mundane, there is not that many earth-shattering events in my daily life. having the desire to be more than i am, is certainly a part of me that is long in leaving. sitting here this morning, i see where that comes from and where it needs to go.
one of the values that i do uphold today, is to be kinder and gentler to myself. i often treat myself with contempt and disrespect. i know who i am most days and today i am quite certain that i am okay, just the way i am. it is time, however to get out and about into this frosty morning. the fitness program that has become part of my daily life, allows me to look better and certainly feel better in my own eyes. when i am more centered about who i am, where i am and where i can go, than i do not need to be better than or worse than i am, in the eyes of anyone else.

∞ DT ∞