Blog entry for:

and is not important to me, is part of the reconstruction of my moral and spiritual self, a process that is still ongoing today. once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a version of myself that was mostly amoral. no matter how mean, nasty, slimy or scandalous i behaved, i could still sleep well at nights, after all, i was just doing what i needed to do to get what i was entitled to get. getting was my ultimate reason and the means to do so were far from relevant because the ends justified them. while it is true i never murdered anyone to get what i needed, i often wonder these days if that was a red line i was willing to cross. as interesting as these internal debates with myself may be, the reality of the situation is that they are mostly a waste of time, i have morals today, i have a conscience and a set of values that i honor and do my best to live by.
YIPPY-SKIPPY, NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES AHEAD!
while it may be true that i possess all of those intangibles today, i am hardly a saint. to use the parlance of many of my peers, i slip into “old behavior,” and find myself lacking in the very traits i greatly desire. the question then arises, if i still can be what i once was, what the fVCK is the point of all of this? answering that question with even a modicum of honesty, defines the dilemma i face today: is this recovery gig, really paying off?
as i shared last night, i heard this question echoing in the back of my mind,m as i extolled the rewards i have received as a result of being clean for as long as i have. one of them that i did not mention was the set of spiritual principles i choose to live by today. sitting here this morning, i can say life was a whole lot more convenient when i just shat upon everyone, equally and with great aplomb. none of this looking to how i behaved across the course of my day and owning where i was wrong. none of this living a life as an equal. and most certainly, none of this earning what i have, by doing the next right thing. the problem with me returning to that sort of morality is, without something to numb the pain i can see i am causing others, i will literally go insane and in my less than “right mind,” who knows what actions may follow. using something would certainly look like my only hope. if i want to stay clean, then the easier, softer way, is to live by the moral compass i have developed across the course of my recovery and take corrective action, when i choose not to do so. one of the most important gifts of recovery, or curse of recovery, is that i CHOOSE what action to take, instead of instantly reacting, 99.999% of the time. knowing and acting on choices, even when the consequences look sketchy, is what separates me from the person that walked into the rooms. as much as i want to pretend that i operate behind a wall of blissful ignorance, the fact of the matter is that i no longer cannot claim that privilege, and for this addict, that is more than likely a good thing.
on that happy note, i think i will be grateful that i have a job to go to, something interesting to do at that job and a passion to do so. in the end, giving those guys a taste of what my life is like today, was probably the next right thing to last night. letting them get away with feedback and interruption, might not have been as bad as i thought, maybe that too, was the next right thing to do, at that instant in time. i am grateful today for direction that allows me to forge a higher path than the one i once trod, and for having the ability to makes corrections when i seem to be traipsing off of it. it is after all, a great day to be clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞