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and the values that i always have had, lurking around deep in my spirit during my active addiction, are being brought to the surface on a daily basis by the changes being wrought by the recovery process.
and thinking about the changes across that span of time, from the day i conceded to my innermost self that i was powerless over the disease of addiction until this morning is daunting. in fact, while writing this bit of mind dump, i even had to do another little task.
so it goes....
i am no longer comfortable dwelling in the past, and although this reading talks about how to apply my rediscovered and recently uncovered values, it always leads to a comparison in my head about then and now. it was not that as an using addict i was totally amoral, or even totally immoral, i did however sacrifice my values on a daily basis to obtain whatever i happened to need on a daily, even moment by moment basis. and i often sold myself out very very cheaply. part of the problem was i felt i had no value or values, but when after a bit of contemplation about me behaviors i came across yet another instance of my behavior violating my values, i quickly rationalized and justified that behavior by some often ludicrous and outrageous lies. it has taken several inventories and a surrender to the process of recovery for me to even begin to glimpse what i was and come to terms with teh behaviors of that man in active addiction. not that i am this totally upstanding citizen or even a stellar example of moral righteous to this day. but i am better, i can live by the values i feel are important and look forward to the changes that ongoing recovery will bring to me. after all, today i do stand for something and that something is living the program of recovery to the best of my ability today! whatever i find important to me, i honor. a far cry from the man i once was.

∞ DT ∞