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is the result of living my values. ironically, i used to believe my strength was in hiding who i was and staying in the shadows, even though i fabricated the most outrageous lies about where i had been and what i had did. just to set the record straight, the only European countries i have actually seen are Greece, Iceland and Ireland. to the best of my knowledge i am not the father of any children, have never been famous, rich and i made choices that ended my career in the US Navy. i created a world in which i did not have to own how i really felt about myself, that i cannot for the life of me, remember all the tall tales i spun, nor do i care to. if anyone comes back and says well you once told me… i will simply say i was lying then and her is the truth as i see it today. the whole notion of living a life based on the spiritual values i have come to adopt across the course of my recovery, leads to all sorts of interesting revelations as time goes by.
this morning, however,i am not going to go traipsing any further down memory lane, attempting to recover all of my trespasses against the honest truth. what i “heard” this morning was that i could be, exactly who i am and i need to not embellish my identity to fit in or feel equal to those around me. the value that is speaking to me the loudest as i start my day, is that of honoring myself and treating myself with a bit of compassion and kindness. it is true i obsessed about Fantasy Football before i got rolling on what i “need” to do and i am disappointed i only moved up one place in the standings after my win this weekend. it is also true that i decided to apply for a position at Amazon, after having an intake interview last week, after i woke up and figured out where the bug in my current coding assignment probably was. right here and right now, i think it is time to get dressed out and get some steps under my belt. that is part of taking care of myself these days, and the kindest thing i can do for myself is to do what i can to make my life as good as possible.
before i take off, i need to say i forgive myself for attempting to be bigger, brighter and more sparkling, across the course of my active addiction and into my life in recovery. i know now that i was covering up very low self-esteem through braggadocio and isolation. learning how to live as myself is one of the most difficult tasks i have ever undertaken, right up there with quitting cigarettes and getting clean. it is also one i wish to enhance through better behavior, specifically doing my best to leave what i am not any longer in the shit can. so it is off to the races, for another day in recovery.

∞ DT ∞