Blog entry for:

i think i could fool everyone by lying.
my favorite activity, once upon a time, was exaggerating what i did, selectively editing events in my life and flat out lying, to make myself seem bigger, better and more improved than i really was. i would like to say, that when i came to recovery, this behavior ceased to be a part of my repertoire, unfortunately for me, that is not quite the case. what has happened, is that i do it less, and oftentimes catch myself before launching full-fledged into a lie, in one form or another, then having to go back and own that i was not telling the truth. the TENTH STEP, forces me to look at my dishonesty on a daily basis and yes, even i have to use the corrective part of the TENTH STEP to own a lie. i am still hard-wired to try and get away with sh!@t, and the dang TENTH SEEP, takes away the pleasure i derive from getting away with something, not just limited to a lie or three, to build myself up in the eyes of those who are surrounding me.
moving on.
the other thread that is running through my head this morning has to do with a question a friend of mine posed yesterday about the process of coming to believe. although from a high level view, it may not seem that these two topics are related, they most certainly are, as i betrayed my values in early recovery, to please my sponsor, my peers and a whole bunch of others i had yet come to know.
when i came to recovery, i was a visitor to start with, and for quite a bit of time thereafter. it took me seven months to actually accept the possibility that i had any sort of problem and another thirteen before i finally got the notion that i might be an addict to start to be part of something i could intellectually accept. in that time i was a redundant, alcoholic-addict, who was clean and sober, and did his best not to fit in anywhere. as part of that time frame i also worked all twelve steps to the best of my ability. part of that process was to dishonestly accept the HIGHER SPONSOR concept of my sponsor and the majority of the local fellowship as my own. as a result, i felt connect to the members, but knew in my heart of hearts that i was just getting away with something, as in reality accepting that vision of a HIGHER POWER was not part of who i am. the longer i got away with that deception the better i felt and the more powerful i thought i was. it was quite a shock, when my second sponsor, finally asked me the question of why, even though he was of the same persuasion as my first. his probing questions, initiated a process ion me that will never be complete -- namely the definition or lack thereof -- of the POWER that fuels my recovery. once i let go of who i was, who i had to please and what i though about GOD, religion and spirituality, i commenced my coming to believe journey and the process to restore to me to a saner, healthier state.
now let me be perfectly clear, it was not my first sponsor nor the fellowship i chose to get my recovery in, that is to blame for my deception. the responsibility for that rests solely upon my shoulders, it was a means to an end, and that end was to be socially acceptable, by the only means i thought possible, pretending to be part of the herd, one of the sheeple, blessed in the ignorance of not having to make decisions for myself. today, that need still comes upon me from time to time and i catch myself betraying my values once again. when it comes to FAITH, GOD and my journey of “COMING TO BELIEVE,” i cannot allow myself to get swept away with happens to be popular and trending now. those paths have their value for others and quite possibly for me as well, but i have a mind, a sometimes hypercritical one, that is part of the man i am becoming. examining and trying out new ideas is certainly part of my coming to believe process, but trusting my gut and feelings about what fits and what does not is where i must end up, if i am to be true to myself, my values and yes my peers and friends. as someone outside of the mainstream in this respect, it often feels lonely because i do not share their concept on many levels. having to rely on the fact that each and every one of my peers, who hope to stay clean today, MUST rely on some power greater than them, certainly helps to relieve the pain of being a bit different.
so as i move into the rest of my morning, i can walk forward knowing that growing my FAITH, is a task i can undertake, simply by allowing myself the FREEDOM to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to enter my life and to be present for what that POWER brings, subtle or obvious, into my life today.

∞ DT ∞