Blog entry for:

in doing whatever i do, the as best i can. sitting here this is afternoon, this is the last thing i planned to do. well, i actually had a bit different order of my tasks in mind, when i got up this morning, but as the day wore on, they needed to be adapted to what other people were or were not doing. most of the time, i live my life on a bit of auto-pilot, i look at what i need to get done, create a plan of the day and slavishly follow it, no matter what. today, after doing my morning recovery routine, i allowed myself the freedom to “choose my own adventure” when i went out for my little walk. that little taste of freedom, pushed everything back and the dawg had her little nose out of joint, because i did not walk her before i took off to my home group. she got her walk, and i got everything else completed, leaving this for the last task of the day. truly a creative take on getting through this day, anyhow.
my home group was quite interesting this morning, as two of my peers, who owe me amends they will never admit to, were present and i has a bit of an emotional trigger with both of them present, for the first time in a long time. i could go on and on, the truth is, i thought i was past all of that and was surprised when i felt the bile rise in my throat. i let it go and what i also realized was that me holding on to an expectation for any admission of them doing me wrong was wasted effort and flushing what little personal power i may have, down the drain. they are not worth that and i am more than worth more than living in that space.
i know at times it may seem i am obsessed with power, and perhaps i am. living i life of illusory power, always feeling less than, while acting better than, left me in a confusion place when i got clean. day after day of living a program and working a step or three, has brought me to a place where i can cherish what i am given and not squander it on pipe-dreams or chasing rainbows. in reality, as i choose to live these days, there is only so much i have the ability to affect, and most of that stuff is only within me. do not get me wrong, i can still be a major dick and revert to those very well laid down paths of less than stellar behaviors. i choose not to go there, as today i have a very strong moral compass and a daily inventory. those two things, inn and of themselves, mean that when i wrong, and it happens, i have to own it, admit and fix it, in the present, not when i get around to an amends step. i certainly HATE to admit i am wrong, HOWEVER …
the creative freedom i get in recovery is amazing and just for today, i will continue to celebrate that freedom, as the rest of this days unfolds.

∞ DT ∞