Blog entry for:

the support i need to proceed with each step comes from my faith in a HIGHER POWER. each step i work is supported by my relationship with a loving HIGHER POWER.
a bit late today, got caught up in the travails of day to day work, and of course the last thing on my mind was writing about this reading. well, a break time has arrived and the time has come to sit down and pause pensively for a bit. the pause is complete, although i did very little thinking, so i guess i will have to go with my gut.
anyhow, one thing i am beginning to realize is that i do not have a strong emotional reaction to this reading. to me, this is one of those that is just given -- complete in its own sense without a whole lot of internal controversy for me, so if i was younger in recovery, i would probably say i really **liked** this reading.
but i am not here to critique this morning, or to be more accurate this early afternoon, i am here to speak to my experience, strength and hope in regards to the relationship that i have built with my concept of a HIGHER POWER by working the steps. i need not go on about how that concept has changed and evolved over time, as i have done that before. the evolution of that concept is a direct result of working through the steps more than once. when i think back on what i thought and believed ten years ago when it comes to my concept of a HIGHER POWER, i literally shudder. why you my ask. well for one, that concept is far from adequate for me to sustain my recovery today. i understand and accept, that as a function of early recovery, it was more than adequate to keep me clean back then. however. recovery these days, for me anyhow, has gone beyond just staying clean, and as a result i NEED to haver a continuing relationship fostered by my growth through the steps.
one of things that strikes me most about the closing speaker on Sunday was that his share has not changed much in seven years. there are several implications that i could choose to explore, if i had the desire to. i lack that particular desire however, i recently listened to the two speaker tapes i have of myself, and amazed that the same person was sharing at all. what i shared about at five years clean does not resemble at all, what i shared about at nine and half years clean. i have to attribute that, to the growth i have experienced as i allowed my relationship with a HIGHER POWER to change and evolve, through the cycles of twelve steps i have worked. how i see myself, my HIGHER POWER and the world around me is constantly changing these days, and as evidence i submit the permanent record of my sharing. the amazing part is that it is not that the facts have changed, just what i consider important about them and how i look at them today.
so i guess the reason this reading does not jump out and grab me by the throat is that i have accepted that i will change, my concept of a HIGHER POWER will evolve or devolve, and the relationship will be altered as a result of living the steps. and all of that is just what it is supposed to be, at least for today!

∞ DT ∞