Blog entry for:

each step i work is supported by my relationship with a loving HIGHER POWER. okay, today i admit it, for some reason i am in a HP phase instead of using the **G** word, so it goes, and this like every other little phase in my life will pass soon enough, with or without my notice. so as i sit here, i need to comment on something i learned last night. one of the men who i sponsor was told that i am a nazi. sometime such a description of how i work a program and act is quite fitting. and i admit that i have gone through my fellowship nazi phases in the past (they too passed); but considering that this is from a cross fellowship dilettante, someone who has been **around** the program for years and has yet to accumulate six months clean in our fellowship, and who has willing thrown herself into a co-dependent thirteenth step relationship, because she did not know what else to do, i consider such a statement a compliment. after all, i do what i say, i live a program, and i do not ask the men i sponsor to do anything i do not do, or have not done. i practice a single program that provides me the means to live my life free from active addiction, so purist, nazi or whatever, i am proud to call myself clean and an addict in recovery this morning.
anyhow rant off, back to the topic at hand. what was it again? oh yeah, my relationship with a HIGHER POWER, GOD or whatever…
well i have written more than enough about how i came to my current relationship, and probably have bored everyone to tears about that. so this morning i think i will dwell in the gratitude of what i get as i allowed that relationship to grow, and flourish. i am not the source, but i certainly am the guardian of that relationship. it is my daily action or inaction that drives the direction that relationship is headed. in my brief experience in the spiritual side of things, i have discovered, that i am responsible for maintaining this relationship, and as long as i do what is suggested and practice a program on a daily basis in all aspects of my life i get gifts from the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. no not millions of ducats, not slews of beautiful models hanging on my every word, no not large expensive cars, but REAL gifts, that improve the quality of my life. gifts like the courage to face the pain of working the steps, or to stand-up for myself. gifts like a passion to grow my fellowship throughout my state. gifts like the ability to self-direct myself, so i can work at home, outside the conventions of an office, and be successful at it. gifts like the security of knowing that i am the correct path, and that no matter what the future has in store for me, i can face it, stay clean and continue to recover. gifts like the ability to love and be loved, to respect others and myself, and to be assertive and confident, secure in the knowledge that i will get what i need exactly when i need it.
i could go on and on, but i am quite certain that you get the idea. the twelve steps and the changes that living those steps have manifest in me, have moved me beyond the the survival mode that i came to recovery within. these days i can thrive, and it saddens me to see others who choose to remain a victim of their past, and choose not to grow anymore. i have discovered that it is me who chooses the direction my life will take. i choose not to grow old, isolated and bitter. yes it is true that i can do nothing about the physical aging of my body, but i can choose to do whatever it takes to consciously slow that process down and thrive as a RESULT by practicing a regimen of physical conditioning. to prevent the isolation and bitterness from becoming part of my life, i practice a regimen of spiritual conditioning, which includes working and living the steps, so that i can continue to grow. today is a day off from physical conditioning, but i never get a day off from doing my spiritual fitness program, so it is off to the showers and back to being responsible, after all, it is a good day for me to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞