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but the steps are more than a fresh start. when i do my best to work the steps, i develop a relationship with my personal Higher Power.
a personal HIGHER POWER? interesting concept coming from a program that is steeply biased to a certain religious tradition. but the fellowship that i choose to find recovery in, does more than pay lip service to this concept. i have found that this not always the case in other fellowships, but since i only need to attend a single fellowship to find recovery from the disease of addiction, to say anything more would do a disservice to myself and anyone who chooses to read this little bit of fluff.
so back to the topic at hand, the development of a relationship with my own concept of a HIGHER POWER. truthfully, the relationship i had when i decided to get clean was one of avoidance of the issue of GOD or anything that may have been perceived as supernatural or divine. i had to find something quick to keep me clean and the point from where i started was definitely not going to work PERIOD! so as the days progressed and i went from whatever was out there, to the group and fellowship, to my own concept of a personally acceptable concept of that POWER, i have also learned about how to be a part of a relationship with that same POWER. this was a hard process and one that for a long time i had to do things that i did not feel particularly comfortable doing, such as kneeling on the floor to pray. i have discovered that none of the rituals i had built up or carried forward from childhood were really required. in fact, as my part of this relationship developed i discovered the garbage i carried with me about this entire concept could be safely pitched and i could grow as my concept changed and grew. so as the garbage got tossed, i became better and more able to participate in this sort of relationship and accept the gifts that i receive from the relationship. so the cycle for this addict was letting go of the shit i was taught, learning to accept what i did not understand, and become more intimately involved with the divine than i ever believed was possible. i get to be more than i ever was and understand less than i ever did and BE SATISFIED with that. life, relationships and divine, what more does any addict need except maybe a good pair of shoes!

∞ DT ∞