Blog entry for:

of my courage and willingness, is my FAITH in the recovery path that has brought me to this point. at the center of that program is the POWER that fuels my recovery. the FAITH i possess today, comes from the experiences i have had, since that very first meeting i ever went to and the long and winding road to finally uncovering the nature of a HIGHER POWER, that i could use without cringing or compromising who i am. it is true, i have some regrets, mainly my resistance to what i knew was “right” for me, because i wanted to conform with my peers about how they saw that POWER. stuffing what i knew was correct for me, into a box it would never fit, brought me to a point of having FAITH in the program and in my peers, only because i failed in keeping my understanding of a HIGHER POWER, aligned with theirs'. what i learned on that journey was this recovery program works, as i stayed clean, even if i was chafing under the misunderstanding of a HIGHER POWER.
this morning, as i pondered the nature of my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery, i came to a place of quiet acceptance that the story i tell myself about having to “look” my peers, if i want to be accepted, is one of the largest stumbling blocks i have to accepting myself as i am. all of that has led me to where i am, a place where i am ready to write about my resentments and proceed with my FOURTH STEP. it is interesting that what i find i resent the most is all of those “stories” that i wrote for myself, long before i ever got high for the very first time. wanting to be unique and not be seen as different appears to be at the core of those stories. it seems that i did not use to change how i felt, as many of my peers are apt to say, i used to change how i saw myself. when i was high, those stories that i chiseled into stone tablets, were obscured and i could be different without wondering what others thought. escaping who i thought i had to be seems to have been my goal and it worked for a very long time, right up until that last night i used. in that moment the judicial system was not my master, i may have been a felon, but i was doing what i thought i desired and because it was once every so often, there was no way i was an addict. in that brief moment of time, i thought i was free and the return to my odious existence was tolerable.
interesting dive into where i seem to be going. right here and right now, i need to get out of the house and roll on down to work. even though i am running a bit late, i have no regrets about spending this time, to kick start a process that i have been doing my best to avoid, STEP WORK. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞