Blog entry for:

in life and some guidance for living in the world. after a weekend whirl of activity and a very lazy start to me day, i am finally getting around to this exercise in thinking and writing about the direction my recovery is framed with, just for today. of course being the obstructionist that i am, i checked in at Standing Rock, ND this morning on FaceBook. white guys get off for trashing federal property and threatening anarchy, but Native Americans get arrested and harassed for obstructing the progress of our corporate masters, it certainly is more evidence that we the people seem to have very little power in the grand scheme of things, and any illusions i may have had, are increasingly being shattered by the news of the day. my take on Comey's ill-timed release of a possible re-opening of the e-mail brohaha, IS that the election was getting boring, so his corporate masters told him to make it a closer race to distract the populace from stuff like CETA, TPP and big PHARMA conspiring to keep us all sick and their pockets lined with the wealth of our nation for the most basic life-saving medicines. ah, the cynic gets to rule for a minute and i need to take a breath, refocus and get back on track.
when i get into my corporate masters and the illusion of choice and control jags, i need to step back and wonder, am i really that upset or am i just trying to distract myself from what is really happening inside of me. even though i have reconciled, for the most part, my spiritual path with the language that is part of my fellowship's teaching, there are still times when i want to stand up and say, well maybe not. this morning may be one of those days. i have a spiritual path to follow, and i also believe that i do not have the ability to stay clean. i believe that i am inherently different in that matter, from the other 85% or so, of the human race. when i used, i could not stop using and any using “vacations” always ended in a self-congratulatory celebration of getting high once again. no matter how i try to twist and spin it, my life as a using addict pretty much sucked most of the time. yes, i had fun and got high right to the end, but i was lonely, isolated, lacked compassion and felt empty most of the time. the pain of living, dull and chronic, could only be relieved by a liberal application of the chronic and that never lasted very long. today, my life may not be Hollywood perfect, i may not be rich, but i am content, BECAUSE the fellowship that is my home, led me to a place where i could accept that i am an addict, and do not need any additional modifiers to that label. addiction sucks, there is no way around that fact. active addiction sucks more, and the fresh start oi have been given, is something i often take for granted, after a few days of repetition. today i see that fresh start as my entryway intro a world of spiritually principled actions and behaviors. if not for the fellowship and its true message of finding my own spiritual path, who knows where i would be.
at dinner the other night, a FNG asked me, where i think i might have been, if i had not been dragged kicking and screaming into recovery by the legal system. i was without an answer and this morning, i still lack clarity at where i might have ended up. based on what i have seen in my brief stint of recovery, and yes six thousand nine hundred and ninety six days is brief, i would say, probably a ward of the state, if i was fortunate, homeless and crazy on the streets if i less fortunate or even dead. not that those outcomes have been removed from the realm of possibilities, but just for today, they are removed from my reality, if i choose to repeat staying clean No Matter What, one more day.
the POWER that fuels my recovery? well that POWER also provide me the opportunities to get what i need, every day and what i want, some of the time. mu job is to allow that POWER to care for my will and my life and move along to the next right thing, which today is dealing with the county and the state toi get my car street legal for another year.

∞ DT ∞