Blog entry for:

i develop a relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
well, i do not have a commute to Boulder for at least the next two days, and i do have a couple of amends to make as part of my active process of working the steps. i have heard it said more than once, by many of my peers, that GOD, led them to the program, and while i understand what they mean, it was not that way for me. it is the program that has led me to a POWER that can and will fuel my recovery. that program, working the steps and all, allowed me to finally accept what i was really powerless over, and as a result seek the POWER that could and does keep me clean. so even though this week has been a strange one for me, i have not lost FAITH that i am on the right road.
so enough about how wonderful everything is in my life, now that i have found a way to becoming the person i have always wanted to be. what is really going on? well as i do some research on age related macular degeneration, the final out come is dark, but the research shows that there are things i can do, to slow the progression of the disease, the question remains, is the eyesight in my left eye, worth doing the work to keep it? which boils down to whether or not i feel like i have enough value to act decisively or if i want to live my life by default, doing nothing and allowing myself to be a victim of my own benign neglect. i have peers, who are quite content living that way. they seem to accept they are powerless, and unlike me, do not seek to find personal power wherever they can, which seems to work for them. me, on the other hand, while willing to do what is put in front of me, am one of those people, who wants to be powerful, and since i lack any power in so much of my life,. i take what little i am offered and exercise that power. that includes, slowing down the physical processes of aging, in any manner that i can. so the lifestyle changes suggested by the retinal specialist the other day, are far from heinous and will actually lead to a better quality of life in the long run. i have power here to affect the outcome of events far down the road. the rub, just happens to be, that i am wired for immediate results and gratification, so deferring anything feels like a burden to me. so that is where this whole POWER that fuels my recovery notion comes in. as i like to obsess, it seems only that POWER can relieve me of obsession with myself and my place in the world. it is only my FAITH in the will of that POWER, that keeps me choosing to act for the long run, deferring what needs to be deferred until the time is right. the power i have today? well i have the power to choose to stay in my jammies and fire up my work computer and get rolling, OR i can hop in the shower and act “as-if” i am going to drive over to Boulder and get humping on my projects that they pay me very well to do. well i will leave that a mystery for now, after all, i cannot be totally open about everything, i do need to maintain my…

∞ DT ∞