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are more than a fresh start. for me, they were the entry way into a way of living that relies less on self-will and more on looking for and seizing the opportunities that come my way. many of my peers and the literature specifically state that path is a relationship with a POWER greater than myself and addiction. although i will not dispute that for them, i find that way of looking at things a bit constraining. i often wonder if, that in pursuit of that relationship i am leaving my peers behind and will be apt to float out of the rooms “on a cloud of religious zeal,” or in my case an anti-religious zeal.
a major part of this notion, in my case, comes from a lack of belief in a divine plan of sorts. i see that as an attempt to impose order on a chaotic system for one reason or another. when terrible things happen to “good” and those who are “bad” seem to get everything they desire, i am tempted to fall back on the mystery of GOD's ways, to find comfort and an explanation what just occurred. learning to accept that, there may be no rhyme or reason to in inexplicable made me step out of a box that quite neatly had the ways and means to impose order on the randomness of life. maybe, just maybe, stuff just happens. as frightening as that prospect just may be, in goes hand in hand with my lack of caring about what happens to me, when i “shuffle off this mortal coil.” the cynic withing, allows me the FREEDOM to take what i need and leave the rest behind. i am coming to a place where i no longer accept that i am powerless over what i was taught and socialized into believing. more and more i am getting the sense that if i am awake, present and willing to take responsibility for my life, i will get exactly what i need, and maybe what i desire as well.
as i grow up, spiritually and my beliefs mature i see that i may not be a “borderline atheist,” but i am also not a theist. i do not need to resort to chanting or positive attraction means to assuage my fright of being alone in a spiritual world.i can be assured that maybe there is a POWER that is fueling my recovery, and what that POWER may be, look like or how it plays out in the huge scheme of what is, is not something i need to concern myself with, these days. i am still not certain that prayer will remain part of my spiritual practices, but i am quite certain that listening will. as meditation provides me the means to connect with something more. whether that something more is “GOD within, ” or something far more esoteric, is no longer something i stress about these days.
so one more day of doing nothing and then into the breech i go, attempting to get everything ready for the move to my own hosting solution and upgrading my skills. it is a good day to be clean and to have a bit of FAITH, that the steps, at least this round of them, will not take anything from me, that does not need to be removed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞