Blog entry for:

a fresh start, was not the reason i came to recovery and finally accepted that it was what i needed to do. i started working the steps, at least the first time, because that was what everyone else was doing and of course, back in those days, i wanted to be a part of the crowd. even after moving from a program of mere abstinence, i really could not see any benefit to step work or developing a relationship with a POWER greater than i was. no that took a bit of time, more than a bit of desperation and certainly a dismantling of the wall that kept everyone else out of my life. none of that was easy for me, but once i “got” it, it was fairly simple.
moving into the here and now, i heard wen i finally got quiet this morning was a sense of well-being and that nothing is fVcked today, even if my Amazon move may be on hold. i won both my Fantasy Football games this weekend, be one of the narrowest margins this season, with the help of some garbage points from K-Aaron Rogers and company. that is enough to warm the cockles of this curmudgeon's heart. not that i “needed” a win to feel good about myself, but it never hurts to have a bit of good news. i also accepted a possible service position to help someone do their job a bit better. whether or not it happens has yet to be seen, but it only took forty-five minutes for me to stop resisting and say yes. the service that i did this weekend allowed me to reconnect to the service structure and feel as if i am almost healthy enough to dive back into the pool of committee service. for now, i think i will stay where i am and allow those opportunities to arrive on their own.
it is interesting that out of the disaster the past few years have been for me, and trust me, i was ready to say fVck it all and run away. the sh!t show, or at least what i though was a sh!t show of my life, seems to be helping me grow and finish this phase of becoming able to see myself in a different light. i do not need to be seeking a new job, i am finally beginning to catch up on my expenses and i actually volunteered myself to help out. weird as it sounds, none of that feels “wrong” and i am going to go with the flow. it is a good day to accept that i may actually be doing better than i think i am, just for today. oh yeah, it is because of the steps and not despite them that i could drive to work this morning, allowing traffic to be faster than me and not giving the middle finger salute to any of my fellow commuters this morning.

∞ DT ∞