Blog entry for:

that can and will do for me, all that i find is impossible to do for myself. one of those things is growing up in recovery. yes i see and hear so many fellow travelers saying they never want to grow up, that remaining childlike is their goal, and what i also see from those same addicts is the result of such an attitude. as a result of that observation, i am more than grateful to grow up spiritually and emotionally, as i have absolutely no desire to be like them. i understand that the ends DO NOT justify the MEANS. i understand that i do not have all the answers, and the few i do possess can be freely had by asking, i understand that clean time does NOT equal recovery, and time in service DOES NOT equal superior knowledge of how best to carry the message. i UNDERSTAND that my attitude of arrogance or superiority can and does drive others away from service. and most of all i UNDERSTAND that i am not some sort of authority figure on anything and those around me DO NOT hang on every pronouncement that happens to leave my lips or keyboard.
all of this understanding is the result of growing up spiritually. there is not a whole lot i am certain of these days, and that is a good thing. when i am certain, i DO NOT grow, nor do i feel the need to grow. i am locked in a stagnant state that leads to a spiritual rotting. i become a spiritual zombie, -- i look and act like i have the spark of life within, but upon closer inspection one will discover that spark took the last bus out of town a long, long time ago.
i said that i am not certain of much, that does beg the question what is it that i am certain of today? i am certain that Carrie S has left us and is not coming back, i saw her physical remains yesterday and she fit in a gallon jug. i am certain that i cannot speak her opinions about what those of us she left behind do and do not do, since she left us. i am certain that there is a reason i was forced against my will, on to this path of recovery. i am certain that staying clean today is my primary purpose, and that i WILL get what i NEED to do so. i am certain that i was given the desire to be healthy from that same POWER that fuels my recovery. and i am certain that my passion is a gift and not a curse, my job is to learn to channel it correctly, which is also part of the growing up process.
at this point, one mat ask what is it that has me all worked up this morning? quite truthfully now that i am here, i see it really is nothing at all. it was just another tantrum from this petulant child over the perceived of evils of others. i can move on, and let go as the anger i felt is draining away as i write this, and my path today is clear -- BE THE BEST MAN I CAN BE BY ACTUALLY LIVING A PROGRAM, INSTEAD OF SPOUTING OFF ABOUT HOW I HAVE LIVED A PROGRAM. the proof as the tired cliché goes, is in the pudding. speaking of pudding, if i want some tonight i need to take action now, which means a quick trot around the neighborhood.
it is certainly a great day to be clean and i am certain that what i need to next will be revealed as i need it to be. so into the streets i go.

∞ DT ∞