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i live securely in myself when i cease relying on my own power and start relying on the God i have come to understand in recovery. well the readings over the past two days, certainly sounded like they gave me permission to launch into a tirade about someone else. and the real irony is one day i barely write one hundred words and the next over seven hundred. so if there is a pattern i would expect this one to come in at…
well really i do not want to put any expectations on myself, i would like to say that i am through with all of that, but i know that the reality is that i am just doing my best to remove the expectations from myself and my relationships with others in the here and now.
so what about having to be right? after all, that was the topic this morning, or rather what i read, was the need to be fight stemming from my insecurities, and lack of self-esteem. i can see that is part of my behavior list, it would be nice to say that this was **old** behavior, but it still pops up every now and again. the need for me to be right has diminished, especially in the past week, as i come to realize that i a,m powerless over other people, and no matter how **right** i may be, they may lack the capacity to hear it. i know now, that being right louder and louder, does nothing to get anyone to hear me, and that when i am shouting to be heard, the symptom is mine and not anyone else’s. so this morning, as the dust settles in around me, i see that no matter what i do, no matter how **right** i may be, that there will be people who will not respect me, and will consider me beneath them for a myriad of reasons. harsh as that realization is, that is life on life’s terms. as much as i like being right, and as much as i like being respected, to try and get the respect of everyone i happen to run across, is a betrayal of myself. i am finally coming to understand, that it is me who needs to change my perspective and the healthy reaction is to accept that they are who they are, right, wrong, sick or healthy, and for me to continue on my journey to become the sort of person i have always wanted to be i am the only one who has to respect me.
the next question has to be, is this possible? is it really possible for me to let go of what others think and be comfortable in the knowledge that i do have some answers, my experience does count, and that i am worthy of respecting, loving and accepting myself just the way i am today? that is quite a task for me, or perhaps for ant human being, but one that does deserve my attention this morning and throughout my days. after all, the only thing i can really change is how i react to my feelings, the world is the world, other people are other people and as Popeye has been know to say,"i yam whose i yam."
so anyhow, the time has come to decide whether or not i am going to face the weather and work out, or take the easy way out and hop in the shower and punk out, and that has yet to be decided.

∞ DT ∞