Blog entry for:

some kind of authority figure was certainly who i was, long before i came to be in recovery and for more than a minute after getting here. facts were facts and i ALWAYS knew all the facts, even when i did not. once i saw started to “get” a bit of humility and believe that there is certainly more i have yet to learn, i finally started to see that even when i was correct, there are times when being correct, is not even close to enough. living in a state of constant learning keeps me down to Earth and as i grow into my real identity, one that does not require being the “go to” guy, at least in my own head, has made life much easier, as i no longer live in fear of being proved wrong.
today, at my home group, i “heard” something that is still ringing in my ears. the speaker read a passage that spoke of Hope and Faith. i am not one of those who puts FAITH in being given something by praying, chanting or manifesting it. i believe that if i want something and it is attainable, i have to seek out the opportunities to get it, by being present for what is going on around me. HOPE, well that borders on wishful thinking, in my mind, and once again that makes me think i need the sort of FAITH in some sort of entity. no, the FAITH i have is in the program of recovery i have been given. i trust the process and IF i do what i have been doing, i have FAITH that i can make it through another day clean and perhaps discover the ways and means to make my desires become part of my reality. the consequence of that sort of FAITH, is that tomorrow, i get to make the decision to stay clean, once again and allow my life to flow as it will.
it has been almost a year without running, and i may never be able to run again. i do not let that hold me back, nor define how i see myself. i know my injury is healing and tomorrow i will attempt to run a bit more than i did last week. i would prefer to be out and about, now and this patiently waiting for my body to heal, truly sucks, as patience is not something in which i am well versed. i do KNOW that if i want to return to that activity, i have to put today in perspective, specifically another day clean and another day or working towards my goal. no matter how i slice or dice it, time does matter here and forcing myself into doing something i am not ready for, will only set me back. once again it is my FAITH in the healing process that keeps that Hope alive, just for today.

∞ DT ∞