Blog entry for:

i live securely in myself when i cease relying on my own power and start relying on the POWER i have come to understand in recovery.
this morning, as i am running way behind on my planned daily schedule, i find myself wondering if i really want to write this, or just sort of phone it in and catch-up with where i think i NEED to be. of course, even considering that option takes time, so instead of stopping and pondering i am going to go with the flow, which feels like writing this out, no matter how long it takes. there is some reason, i slept in, moved slower to reach this point, and i could fight against it, or i can just surrender to the fact, that even when i practice an daily 11th step, i am mostly clueless as to what the will of my HIGHER POWER really is. yes, this is on of those days, where the use of the word GOD, is an anathema to me, so please excuse the clumsy construction and paraphrasing that i need to do to writ this.
okay, where was i, oh yeah, i can see quite clearly how needing to be right all the time is a symptom of low self-esteem and self-will run riot. i see those sort of lessons in my daily life, i see object lessons in my service work and interacting with my peers in recovery, and i see myself falling into that same trap. one might think, that after some time in recovery, this would be one of the traps one could easily avoid. well, for me, i mostly oblivious to this particular one, until i am smack dab in the middle of it and snarled pretty deeply. then the only way for me to extricate myself, is to humbly (to the best of my ability) admit i am wrong and move backward until i get to the fork in the road that led me into this particular manifestation of self-will run riot. honestly though, i am getting better about taking the correct turn when i find myself at that fork, so there is hope for me yet. i can be teachable and approachable, and most of all i can be open-minded enough to actually listen to the opinion or knowledge of someone else. so my task today, is to be present for what is going on inside of me, which is a screaming desire to get out and run, after which i can move forward into the planned activities of my day. so on that note, i do believe i will get out and get sweaty and see how i can be part of the plan and not apart from the plab. it is after all a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞