Blog entry for:

for others to love or respect me. in fact, just the opposite is true -- none of us have all the answers.
but boy do i act like i do, most of the time. this is one of the most resistant to change parts of my personality. it exists for all the reasons that the reading suggests, and it is true, that as i come to love, accept and respect myself, the need arises less often to have to be right all the time, and yet it still a large part of me. before i give you the wrong impression, and feed the part of me i call my addiction, it is also true that this particular piece of me is acted on less often these days and with a lot less vehemence. the best part of all, is that the less i act-out on this particular shortcoming, the more i find i can love, accept and respect myself. so once again, thinking my way into better behavior lessens the need for the behavior and strengthens the forces within me that diminish the need to act-out. another feedback loop, and a very positive one at that. it is not very often when i get to see a positive feedback loop, as i always seem to stumble on the negative ones. ands actually, when it come to looking at myself, i am more apt to decide to cast what i find in a negative light, to reinforce what that piece of me i call the disease of addiction wishes me to see. after all, if i see myself in a negative light, this loop reverses and is just as tight in the opposite direction.
so anyhow .....
... what else is up with me today, other than looking at stuff in a whole new light, and not puking up all my crap? WELL i had a very graphic using dream last night. i will not go into detail, but i used not one but twice in that dream. it has been quite some time since i had a using dream. i have never used in this manner in my dream and never this particular substance, although it was part and parcel of my pharmacopoeia in active addiction. the dream itself is not what disturbs me, it is the feeling of disappointment i had in the dream and when i woke up that is disturbing. i was disappointed that i did not get or feel high in the dream, although the amounts i used should have done the trick quite nicely. so i guess that formal written tenth step inventory, that i lacked the desire to do last night, needs to be done tonight. i will take this as a sign that i need to be a bit more diligent in my recovery activities, rather than continuing to slack off.
so off to the showers and into the real world life does after all await me!

∞ DT ∞