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i try to build myself up by putting others down. what a difference twenty-four makes sometime. yes it is true, that i still have to drive down to Aurora. yes it is true, that i still have **favors** to do for a friend, because he is otherwise indisposed. and yes it is true,m that i am still an addict. even with all of that being true, this morning, i am feeling much more relaxed, even though stuff took far longer than i planned this morning and the the universe has yet to come into accord with my will. although all of this is still true, what exactly does it have to do with the reading this morning?
when i feel out of sorts, for one reason or another, one of my most favorite and familiar behaviors is “being absolutely right.” i may not be the dimmest bulb in the box, but more than likely i am not the brightest one either, depending on where i happen to be and who i happen to be with. all things being equal, that really does not matter, because when i get into that spot a room full of MENSA members, would not be intimidating enough to make me stop. the behavior, is just that a behavior. it arises from feelings that are caused by reactions to the world around me, as filtered through my particular set of character defects, one of which is low self-esteem. oh i am much better than when i walked into the rooms, in fact, most of the time i barely notice it. working as part of a team over the past year or so, has certainly taught me what i am truly worth and more than a bit of humility. what it really has taught me, that no matter where i am on the relative scale of stuff, i am okay, when i let go and do my best.
i really want to rush out of here and get down to work way early, but i also know what the consequences of that decision will be, frustration and angst. so instead i have to tell myself, that i am worth slowing down, being thoughtful and when the time is right, hit the road. which of course goes to being right. ironically, one of the men i sponsor, was trying to tell me that i agreed to something that i did not. he remembers almost all of the conversation, except for the one part where i said, yes, you always have more stuff. the way he wanted to take it, was yes i will move all that stuff, when it was really a reply to the assertion he made about having so much stuff. in fact, he has mentioned it every time we have talked since the boom got lowered down upon his head, with extreme prejudice. he so desperately needs to control something in his out of control life, and i am not playing, which is confusing to him. he takes my lack of engagement in this affair as me being angry or uncaring and perhaps, it does feel like that to him. what it feels like to me, is being assertive and enforcing my boundaries, which of course goes make to self-esteem, or my lack thereof. i think boundary enforcement is a symptom of feeling better about who and what i am, and as such an activity i will continue to practice. am i always right? not by a long-shot, but sometimes, if i allow myself to feel my way through a situation i certainly can be.

∞ DT ∞