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is all i can offer, right or wrong, it really does not matter, as it is something that i can claim as wholly mine. the difference today is that i can examine my judgements and what i may think is **correct** version of the TRUTH and alter them if i uncover evidence to the contrary. unlike some of the politicians in today's modern arena i do not live in a world of misogynistic, fascist and racist alternative facts. i can own when i am wrong, which is far more often than i once thought was possible, and live with a new world view. what once was absolute, namely my interpretation of the world around me, has become quite fluid and that transformation did not occur overnight and certainly was not a product of diffusion or ASS-mosis.
one of the reasons i stick around the program is because i certainly needed my brain “retrained.” i certainly HAD TO BE right, all the time and more often than not, i had to pick and choose my facts very carefully, to allow for that outcome. i was pretty good at spin and even when wrong i could wheedle, batter, bully, or bludgeon my way out of it. recovery, after i finally embraced it, did very little for a long time to change that set of behaviors. it certainly tamped them down, to the point where i would agree, but walk away thinking what an idiot i had just capitulated to and that i looked “better” than i actually was.
a couple of sets of steps later, i still want to “look like” an authority on everything, but i no longer cave in to that desire. i get that my take on the world is limited to what i have experienced. i can never say i know what it means to be a woman, or a person of color or anything but a white male American. i was born into privilege and that privilege has colored my world forever. it is scary that i may have to surrender part of that privilege to allow others to take a more equal part in the world and part of me wants to identify with the party that is doing its level best to protect that privilege in its entirety. these days, however, i do the next right thing, quietly, just because it is the next right thing to do and allowing others to have an opportunity to get what i was given, is certainly the next right thing for this privileged white man to do.
yikes, i certainly got off on a tangent there. coming back to admitting i hardly know anything about everything, takes me off my soapbox. i can feign being humble, or i can practice humility. for me, there was little difference for most of my life. today my goal is to be a better person, own when i am wrong and allow others to express points of view that i do not share. when i hear a member share that they see my 12 STEP program as its own religion, i can be okay with that fact and if they ever become open to listening to another point of view, be there to present it as i see it. i am grateful that i can be wrong today, honestly admit that to myself and my peers, and not disappear into a cloud of foul gas. it is a good day to start an adventure to get a car without a car payment. that means it will not be as new nor as pretty as i might think i need it to be, to fit my image, but it will be wholly mine, just leik my point of view.

∞ DT ∞