Blog entry for:
Sat, Oct 12, 2019 10:04:31 AM
😵 offering what i 🙃
posted: Sat, Oct 12, 2019 10:04:31 AM
KNOW and admitting to what i do not KNOW, is a paradigm that was long in coming to me. there are still times when i find myself resisting the urge to give unasked for advice, based on what i think i KNOW. over the course of this past week, on more than one opportunity, i could have played the a**hole authority card and let someone know how f*cking wrong they were and what they “needed” to do. i certainly have some “expert” knowledge on the path of my recovery, but i am severely deficient in the knowledge of how others need to live THE program of recovery that has brought me this far. two facts do stand out:
here is where the “wisdom” of the fellowship fails me. many of my peers have very strong opinions about addiction and who is or is not an addict. they also have very strong opinions on what is being clean and what is not. i agree with many of their opinions, BUT i am quite certain that i am incapable of detecting whether or not someone is an addict or not. if i relied on being powerless a versus my life being unmanageable as my test for “addict-ness,” once the justice system was gone from my life, i world have left, after all, by that time my life was quite manageable and the desire to use, was long gone. by those two standards, i could have seen myself as “cured” or that my using was just a quarter of a century phase i “needed” to go through, to force me to “grow up.” if i had remained in the fellowship where i had started i would have been long gone, as their suggestion of doing a bit of “controlled” drinking would have been an experiment i carried out and IF by some chance my life did not burn down around me after a few cocktails, i would have seen no point in “hanging around.”
today, i KNOW that i am an addict. the evidence for this addict, is that this or that, in any sense of moderation was never enough and my intent ANY TIME i used was to get high and feel “comfortably numb” to the world around me. every drink or alcohol did not necessarily lead to a needle in my arm every single time, but the DESIRE for something more was tempered by my DESIRE to be socially acceptable. since i can readily OWN the fact that i am an addict, i can also own the FACT that the program, is the only way through to being the sort of person i have the DESIRE to become. judging whether or not someone else is an addict, may be an activity i WANT to do, but it is not one i will engage in today.
- one is an addict only when they are ready to admit to being one.
- until the desire to use is greater than denial, that admission will never be made.
here is where the “wisdom” of the fellowship fails me. many of my peers have very strong opinions about addiction and who is or is not an addict. they also have very strong opinions on what is being clean and what is not. i agree with many of their opinions, BUT i am quite certain that i am incapable of detecting whether or not someone is an addict or not. if i relied on being powerless a versus my life being unmanageable as my test for “addict-ness,” once the justice system was gone from my life, i world have left, after all, by that time my life was quite manageable and the desire to use, was long gone. by those two standards, i could have seen myself as “cured” or that my using was just a quarter of a century phase i “needed” to go through, to force me to “grow up.” if i had remained in the fellowship where i had started i would have been long gone, as their suggestion of doing a bit of “controlled” drinking would have been an experiment i carried out and IF by some chance my life did not burn down around me after a few cocktails, i would have seen no point in “hanging around.”
today, i KNOW that i am an addict. the evidence for this addict, is that this or that, in any sense of moderation was never enough and my intent ANY TIME i used was to get high and feel “comfortably numb” to the world around me. every drink or alcohol did not necessarily lead to a needle in my arm every single time, but the DESIRE for something more was tempered by my DESIRE to be socially acceptable. since i can readily OWN the fact that i am an addict, i can also own the FACT that the program, is the only way through to being the sort of person i have the DESIRE to become. judging whether or not someone else is an addict, may be an activity i WANT to do, but it is not one i will engage in today.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
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∞ the more i try to impress others with how right i am, the more wrong i become. ∞ 523 words ➥ Thursday, October 12, 2006 by: donnot
· i do not have to be **right** to be secure nor do i have to pretend to have all the answers · 506 words ➥ Friday, October 12, 2007 by: donnot
μ nothing isolates me more quickly from the warmth and camaraderie of my fellow members than having to be **right.** μ 616 words ➥ Sunday, October 12, 2008 by: donnot
∴ i live easily with others when i offer what i know, admit what i do not ∴ 482 words ➥ Monday, October 12, 2009 by: donnot
° when i admit that my life has become unmanageable ° 416 words ➥ Tuesday, October 12, 2010 by: donnot
∞ HIGHER POWER, i admit that i am powerless and my life is unmanageable ∞ 464 words ➥ Wednesday, October 12, 2011 by: donnot
≡ suffering from low self-esteem ≡ 615 words ➥ Friday, October 12, 2012 by: donnot
¢ none of us have all the answers. ¢ 505 words ➥ Saturday, October 12, 2013 by: donnot
× i do not have to be **right** × 805 words ➥ Sunday, October 12, 2014 by: donnot
% being right ‰ 720 words ➥ Monday, October 12, 2015 by: donnot
☒ bridging the gaps ☑ 666 words ➥ Wednesday, October 12, 2016 by: donnot
🍌 seeking 🍒 436 words ➥ Thursday, October 12, 2017 by: donnot
🌈 my point of view, 🌋 640 words ➥ Friday, October 12, 2018 by: donnot
🤓 all the answers 🙄 494 words ➥ Monday, October 12, 2020 by: donnot
🤩 trying to impress 🤩 502 words ➥ Tuesday, October 12, 2021 by: donnot
🤜 as an equal 🤛 376 words ➥ Wednesday, October 12, 2022 by: donnot
🚶 practicality 🚀 532 words ➥ Thursday, October 12, 2023 by: donnot
🧐 pretending to be 🤯 503 words ➥ Saturday, October 12, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) There is nothing in the world more soft and weak than water, and
yet for attacking things that are firm and strong there is nothing
that can take precedence of it;--for there is nothing (so effectual)
for which it can be changed.