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one of the gifts of the road i have been traveling is the ability to admit that i may be wrong. tough as it is hard to believe, i do not everything about anything, although i like to act ‘as if’ i do. it is the acting part that gets me. when i was in active addiction i really believed that i knew everything and had all the answers. i find that this attitude creeps back in, even after a few steps and a couple of days clean. an addict shared last night at a meeting that when he encounters the unknown, he reverts to learned behaviors that are familiar. he was actually responding to something i shared in a similar vein and those words still echo in my head.
admitting that i do not have all the answers or maybe that i do not have the answer at this time is not uncharted territory for me but it is still unfamiliar enough that i discover myself, once more back in the know-it-all mode, abandoning any semblance of humility. the good news is that the course of my step work has shown me that this behavior comes from low self-esteem and a total lack of self-respect. if i can intellectually bully someone, i am superior and my ever so fragile ego is once again shored-up at your expense. today, this is one behavior i inventory with my tenth step and i am more than ready to have removed by the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN and PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS.
part of the tenth step specifically says ‘ promptly admitted when we were wrong, ’ and that is the part of this step i hate doing the most. after all, i do not like being wrong, i like having the correct answer and i like earning the respect of my peers by having the correct answer.
so the balancing act continues, i admit that once again i am wrong, and am restored to humility from the insanity of self-obsession.
the reading reminds me that i have become dependent on GOD for knowledge and strength and as a result need to loosen my dependence on my intellect, at least just for today!
:) :) DT ∞