Blog entry for:

all the time, just recovering. ironically i had an argument with a sponsee a few months back, about how fast radar travels and i said the speed of light, the same speed that as a laser. we agreed to disagree, but being the obsessive nutball that i am, i looked it up when i got home. hey, you know what, i was right! there was once a day, and it really is not that far in the past, where i would been all over this and looked it up in the car, instead of waiting, and i would have instantly called, texted and shouted from the highest rooftop, how right i was. today, well i am still more than a little sick, it ended up as an aside on my blog, and needs to go no further.
it is not that my need to be right has gone anywhere, i still feel it at times, burning me down. no, what has happened is that my NEED for me to tell you how right i am, has been diminished, especially in recent history. upon the foundation of my recovery, stuff, feelings and behaviors, that once defined me, are being stripped away, and i can spend a weekend pretending to be like the other 85%, and go undetected. i can be a part of the social life,m that comprises my fellowship without having to be the CENTER of their world. i can be proud about what i have accomplished and walk quietly comfortable out into the world, knowing that i am the best i can be today. best of all, those defects that drove me to conceit, vanity, braggadocio and the plethora of related behaviors are losing their sway over me. the evidence is in how i am feeling today, and what i think i NEED to feel better. yes, that is correct, my NEED or better put, my DESIRE to feel better is still a part of who i am, it is just that i have have found, new, different and healthier ways to do so. a couple miles with the dawg is certainly better for me than bongs and beers with the boyz. a cigar and a cuppa coffee in the cigar club, is better for me than a night in the crack house. and more germane to this discussion, having peers and friends that want to talk to me, is certainly much better than the emotional isolation that being right and letting everyone know how right i am, can be. i am far from cured, but i am certainly on my way to getting better.
the opposite is also true, i need not hide my light under the bushel of false humility, just to ensure i do not make someone else feel badly about who they are. there was once a time, when i minimized my progress, because i believed that it was part of being prideful and i was using my progress as a BIG STICK to beat down upon others. that may have once been true, certainly in active addiction and in early recovery for sure. when i saw the damage i was doing, i swung the opposite direction and lived in a world where i minimized everything i did. took no credit for the work i have put in and certainly ignored anything constructive that was happening in my life, so i could prevent from hurting others. yes i used false humility to people-please, and felt i got away with it successfully for a bit of time. speaking of which, i just had to decline taking on a project that i had agreed to do. the pattern of disrespect i felt was beyond what i believed i could forgive and as a result, instead of getting angry and resentful, i decided to walk away. i my travel in an entirely different world than this other person does, but when someone offers to assist me without expecting a reward, i certainly will do my best to not only respect them, but to honor them as a person. today, sometimes being right means to go all Nancy Reagan on someone, and just say no, not today and probably not ever. i am worth standing up for myself. i am worth being okay with who i am. and yes i am worth being right from time to time, even if someone else does not think so.
well the morning is slipping away form me and the Broncos play a very early game today, so it is off into the hustle and bustle of real life, before i get a few hours of pain and relaxation watching my team play.

∞ DT ∞