Blog entry for:

others with how **anything** i may be, is one of the behaviors i brought with me into recovery and certainly has been with me the entire time i have been **just recovering.** my desire to appear to be more than i felt i was, left a trail of tears behind and certainly did not win me very many friends or allow me to influence anyone that i really wanted to. i have said in the past, more than once, that the steps “right size” me but that is just a bit spiritual camouflage pablum to make me appear to be more humble. falling into the trap of having to once again, appear to be something i am not, is an old broken and scratched record that i have tired of and am working to have removed. intellectually and spiritually i KNOW that i am okay, emotionally, well not so much. decades of telling myself i was broken and needed to keep that on the down-low with extreme prejudice, has certainly taken its toll.
moving on from what is holding me back, into what happens to be working today, i feel a bit more secure in my new position and am starting to get in the groove with head's down coding again. this week, i am also turning down the intensity of my workouts to walking only. i am stuck at a ten minute and change per mile pace, and am thinking that perhaps i have been going too hard at this and need a bit of a step down. of course that does not mean fewer days, just less intensity, as i am very happy with how i feel, each and every day i do hit the streets and tour the east side of Longmont. that certainly is part of right-sizing myself as i was less than happy about my physical appearance and fitness for the longest time, but had a million and one excuses why i could not find the time to do anything abut it. it was easier to pretend i could accept my state of being, as it was, rather than to take action to alter what i could. it was easier to concede my personal power in this respect, than to exercise it. once i started down the river of excuses, there was no turning back.
just for today, i will take what power i do have and use it properly to enhance my life and the lives of others. i will admit that “all the answers” is not something i possess and ask questions, when i do not know. most of all, i will be who i am, allowing others to see me in all my glory, warts and all, and allow myself the freedom to feel comfortable in my own skin. a lot happens in a day, and on that roadmap, perhaps it will all be for the betterment of me.

∞ DT ∞