Blog entry for:

in my understanding, by seeking the answers from outside of me.
i could write volumes on being a know-it-all, living the life of a braggadocio and intellectual bullying, as i am quite familiar with all of those modes of behavior. unfortunately, most of the time i was the one dishing it out and very rarely a receiver of this kind of abuse. when i was a victim of this behavior , of course i was butt-hurt and looked for vengeance. in the long run, after a very long time, i finally let go of my “NEED” to be right and corrected my behavior by allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to replace those parts of me that require this behavior, with healthier personality traits. that does not mean that this has been taken away, all together. all too often in pride and arrogance, i can snap them back and BOOM, be right back at the beginning.
low self-esteem,. and lack of self-respect are very tricky propositions to deal with, especially after spending a quarter of a century denying their existence. pride and arrogance, still rule the roost, and i always want to look better than i am. i want to appear to have those answers, sage suggestions and the “correct” decision whenever asked, and the truth is, most of the time i just pull those sorts of answers out of the air, wrap them up with a bit of spiritual camouflage and present that as some sort of recovery wizard. just as the Wizard of Oz was far from great and powerful, when one looks behind the curtains and dismisses the smoke and mirrors, i am just like the rest of my peers, struggling to find a rock to hold on to, in a sea of the uncertain world.
before i cross the line into false humility, i need to say this. i have made a few trips around the sun as a recovering person. i have made a few trips through the 12 STEP process, and along the course of those physical , emotional and spiritual journeys, i have picked up a few things. for me, saying “the longer i stay clean, the less i know,” is a lie and a play to look like something i am not. i have replaced that trite cliché with: “the longer i stay clean, the more i realize that i do not know,” which fits better into the vision of the person i am becoming.
ironically, one of the men i sponsor said something very profound the other night. when i reminded him that my spiritual path had no personification of a HIGHER POWER, well to be honest what i said was that i was a “godless heathen,” he said that it did not appear to him that way. that there was a POWER in my life that was providing me the means to stay clean and whether or not i choose to give that POWER a face, that POWER is still there and active in my life. i was tempted to argue the point, but i realized it was one of those “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin” sort of argument. that is correct, i accepted rather than defended, and for me, that seems to be what i “heard” this morning as i sat. anyhow, as interesting as this topic may be, i need to wrap this up. i am grateful i have a path that DOES provide answers to my most pressing questions and concerns and has a reservoir of experience, strength and hope that i can draw from, when my limited knowledge and wisdom is not enough. when one needs the infinite and depends on a finite resource, one will always end up shortchanging oneself.

∞ DT ∞