Blog entry for:

if only i was left to my own devices. being self-centered assumes total self-sufficiency, and as i have come to believe self-sufficiency, at least with respect to my recovery is a lie and one that i am better off discarding.
as i sit here this morning, i am faced with a dilemma of sorts, exactly where does protecting of myself turn into being self-centered? as cryptic as that sounds, the answer i arrive at, will determine the fate of one of the friendships in my life. the problem is that i have allowed myself to become drawn into a piece of drama that i really have no stake in. it has become such a huge part of a budding friendship, that it threatens to consume me, and hence i want to withdraw, regroup and run with as much speed as possible, as far away as i can get. this is certainly a behavior that i carry still from active addiction. if i get too involved i will get hurt, better to limit my exposure and accept the consequences than to risk pain. so as i sit here this morning i return to the question of whether or not i am avoiding pain by withdrawing, or if i am acting out in a self-centered manner.
the only way for this addict to resolve such issues is to inventory what i want, and examine the evidence of what i have been getting and see if there is HOPE for some other path. the first part is what i have been getting. as i contemplate on that i see that i am getting exactly what i asked for, as i set absolutely no boundaries. of course what i mean by that is that i did not express any boundaries, out loud. same old crap for me, invisible boundaries that allow me to find the grounds to withdraw and run away. they never had a snowball’s chance in hell of ever really developing a friendship with me! nice trick! so what i really set-up was another instance that was destined for failure before it even got started and best of all, i already had in place the whole denial structure that shifted the blame on to someone else, allowing me to feel spiritual as i walked away. accusing them of demonizing someone else so they could feel better, HMM, how is it that i can recognize that behavior so well? perhaps because it is part of my repertoire. as such, readily available to me without any forethought or effort. so what i have been getting is one more reason to stay away from others and trust only those i have found trustworthy.
that brings me around to the last part, exactly what do i want. the answer to that question is not quite so easily determined. i could say i desire a friendship, but what i have been developing is a project, yet another thing to fix to keep me focused on something other than myself. do i have the desire to turn a project into a friend? i know i have that ability. sitting here, i can feel that i need to have another friend, and that the direction to go is to build a relationship based on mutual respect. the risk is that i will actually be incapable of letting go of my garbage and carry this lingering feeling of mistrust and distance into such a relationship, poisoning it and every little pitfall. the payoff is that if allow myself to be open, establish clear boundaries, i can develop a true friendship with yet another addict, a friendship that will be as rewarding for the both of us. the costs of allowing such a relationship to blossom are not beyond my spiritual budget, so perhaps my course of action is to make that phone call and allow whatever needs to happen to happen. after all i may NEED this relationship and that is why HP has put thinking about it on the top of my to-do list this morning. i think i will let all of this settle and see what i am feeling after i get moving a bit further down the road today, haste in my relationships has not always brought out the best in me. so easy does it at least just for right now.

∞ DT ∞