Blog entry for:

they allow me to strip away my delusion of self-sufficiency, acknowledge the bankruptcy of my self-righteousness and deflate my overwhelming sense of self-importance. okay, so i do not disappoint anyone, this is not going to to be an **i bash myself** sort of writing this morning, the steps have also taught me that i do not need to bash myself to live in the real world or to live in active recovery. what i heard in this reading is the HOPE that all those unsavory parts of me, that i came to recovery with, were the spiritual part of the part of me i call my addiction. -- WHEW-- that was quite a mouthful.
what i heard, as i sat quietly a the start of my day, is that i am not a victim of addiction anymore, nor do i need to be a hostage to my feelings, those days are past, unless i choose to allow myself to return to them. yes Virginia, i am talking about power here, the how i have some these days. just to let you know, i am still powerless over my addiction, that has yet to change, i am still an addict, that too, is as it always was, no what has changed is how i interact with the part of me i call my addiction and how i perceive the world around me. the steps, and the guidance of the men who i have called my sponsors over the course of my recovery, have allowed me to a bit of freedom from the self-centered behavior that i was the norm for me when i came to the program. the systematic destruction of ego, that was part and parcel of mt early recovery, is no longer needed to achieve results, i understand who and what i am, just one more addict who choose to recover today. yes, i can and have been self-centered, self-righteous and self-important, in the past and probably in the future also, that goes without saying, i am far from being cured, HOWEVER, i am less of all of those things today, and if i continue to do what i have been doing i will be less of those tomorrow, that is the promise of active recovery -- freedom from active addiction!
so what did i hear this morning -- gratitude for allowing myself to be more than i ever was; humility knowing that any power i have today did not come from within me; and certainty that i have made the correct choice for a life path to be following.
and the HOPE i feel today is manifest in how i repay a debt that is beyond ever repaying. i owe the fellowship that provided the path i choose to follow, and i will continue to pay against that debt on a daily basis, regardless of what may happen. so it is off to run in a snow storm, and like carrying my recovery with me, i will dress warmly and dryly enough so that i can do what i need to do without harming myself.

∞ DT ∞